How I’m Really Doing

How I’m Really Doing

by | Nov 2, 2011 | Plucky Thursday

As promised yesterday, here is How I’m Really Doing. 🙂

Life has changed drastically for me in the last few months.

This spring I went into hiding when a stalker tried to assault me in my apartment, I lost my grandfather and a very dear friend, and got seriously ill from mold poisoning then nearly died from three rare strains of Ecoli. My job was terminated without notice, I fell and severely tore the muscles and ligaments in my right foot, and went through a devastating personal situation. And that was only the beginning.

I honestly don’t know how I made it through this year. If it wasn’t for dear friends who loved me through every wretched bit of it, I don’t know that I would’ve.

If ever there was a time to start over with a clean slate, this was it. So in July I sold nearly everything I own, packed up the rest, and moved to Amsterdam for three months where I could be safe and recuperate.

Amsterdam canal

It was the best thing I could’ve done. I slept, I traveled, I wrote. I met up with dear old friends and dear new ones. I took thousands of pictures and went to counseling and watched movies. I ate and drank delicious things, went to physical therapy and was finally able to start walking again. I danced at my brothers wedding and had grand adventures with my family and friends in Italy during the wedding week. I cried, talked, and thought through things until they didn’t hurt so much and I could smile genuinely and laugh heartily. I got comfy in my own skin and grew stronger and braver.

Lake Mummelsee Germany

photo by Rita Reimer

Mid-October I packed up again and moved to Australia. I have two 6-month visas that allow me to work for room and board, so I’m living on my friends’ farm in rural Queensland in a lovely little one-bedroom house with a small porch that overlooks the bush. I’m having the time of my life learning how to mend fences, inoculate goats, and pluck chickens. I’m in charge of collecting eggs and sorting them for eating and incubating and I love it. I can’t wait for my first batch of fluffy yellow chicks to arrive.

sunny Australia

I have the dearest man in my life who loves me unconditionally and gives me so much happiness. We have been the best of friends for the past three years and now that I’m in Australia we finally get to have a real, in-person relationship, working together, going on real dates, and having long talks over coffee on the back porch. His kindness, honesty, and love have healed my very scared and broken heart, and I feel the luckiest girl in the world. Due to the nature of his job I won’t be posting his real name or pictures of him here, but you’ll know it’s him when I refer to “bear” – my nickname for him. 🙂

Australian bear

I have such deep peace and happiness in this place, like I’ve finally come home. My health is so much better, no doubt due to all this lovely fresh air and sunshine, raw milk and fresh eggs, and knowing I am safe and loved. My ankle still troubles me every morning and evening, but I keep doing the exercises I’m supposed to and hopefully one day soon I’ll get to wear heels again. 🙂

I am flat broke after all my travels, but so very happy. Slowly but surely I’m building up my accounts again, paying off bills, and living a very simple but beautiful life. It may sound crazy, but I’m actually enjoying the adventure of being poor. 🙂 In the past I would’ve panicked, but I’m getting better at being brave. I’ve been through enough to know that I will be OK, and that worrying only makes things worse.

I have so much fun stacking up my coins on the kitchen table and deciding how to spend each treasured penny. I’ve been scouring thrift stores and sale aisles for good deals and am cheering on my newly planted garden. 🙂 I learned how to butcher, pluck and preserve chickens this weekend and now have a freezer full of free-range chickens. Every morning I have fresh eggs from my chooks and raw milk for breakfast and they are delicious.

Australian eggs

Bit by bit I’m getting to know my hometown and environs, finding my place in this new land. I miss my beloved Washington and especially my dear people there, but I’m very happy in Australia and so grateful for this chance to start over.

How are YOU really doing today?

Learning to Be Real

Learning to Be Real

by | Nov 1, 2011 | Gulliver Tuesday

A friend wrote to me the other day and asked, “How are you really doing?”

I smiled because I knew exactly what she meant.

When I started my blog two years ago, I was entering one of the darkest, most painful times of my life. Everything seemed to hit me at once and continued to do so for the next two years. This blog became my safe place, my happy place, a spot where I could record at least one good, beautiful thing each day to help me get through the wretchedness of my life.

I posted about lovely people who inspired, comforted, and encouraged, not the ones who seemed to make it their life work to crush me.

I wrote about delicious foods that I could eat, not the ones I had to avoid as doctors tried to figure out what was causing my body to shut down and leave me doubled over in pain for months at a time.

I published pictures of beautiful places I had once traveled to, not the four white walls of my bedroom where I lay month after month longing for relief from physical pain and emotional trauma.

All the happy, wonderful things I posted were real. They did delight me, make me smile, and give me hope and courage to press on.

But they were only part of the story.

Purple water lilies

Truth be told, I wasn’t brave enough to post the ugly bits. Most days I was hanging on for dear life, the pain of my reality so acute that I needed to concentrate on the good things, no matter how small, just to get through each day.

I wasn’t strong enough to be completely real with you. I was raw and weak and afraid, so I hid behind pretty pictures and yummy recipes because I felt safe there.

And I don’t regret it. Not one bit. Because I met you there. And through your emails and comments, Instant Messenger chats and Skype talks, in person visits and long-distance phone calls I found the courage and strength I needed to start over.

You showed me that there are truly good people in this world. Through you I have experienced true kindness and acceptance and learned to have hope no matter how dark things become.

For that I cannot thank you enough. xo

purple water lily

Although I don’t regret the last two years, I’m also not going to remain in that place of fear and insecurity.

As scary as it is, I commit to being more real with you.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to be good enough, to win and keep the approval of people whose love and acceptance is conditional. I can’t do that anymore. It’s exhausting. 🙂

I want this blog to be a safe place for you and me to be ourselves regardless of lifestyle differences, religious beliefs, or cultural practices. A place where we can be real and know we won’t be judged if we question our faith, politics and worldview, burn two batches of roasted tomatoes, or go without make-up for five days in a row.

So, in the spirit of being real, tomorrow I will answer my friends’ question for you:

How I’m Really Doing.

In the meantime, I’d love to know: Are you ever afraid of being real? And how do you deal with that fear so it doesn’t control you?

Threads BlueSky