A few months ago my new friend Sue arranged to come and spend a day with me on our farm. At first I was overjoyed to see her, but then panic set in. I was filled with trepidation because…our farm isn’t perfect.
Not even close.
There are dilapidated cars that need to be taken to the dump, piles of iron and sheet metal waiting to be turned into sheds, fences, and cages, and sheds that are in dire need of a good clear out and scrub down. Although there are also pretty gardens and gorgeous woods and the loveliest animals, at that time all I could see were the ugly bits.
I felt deeply insecure about it, worried that in seeing the unlovely parts of our farm Sue might think that maybe we were unlovely too. You see, I grew up with phrases like “cleanliness is next to godliness” and ” a messy home equals a messy heart” and other such guilt-inducing rubbish. Silly, I know, but there ya go.
So with fear and trembling I wrote to her, letting her know “all the bad things” she would be likely to encounter during her visit, then sat back to wait.
In true Sue fashion she didn’t care one bit about our messy bits. Instead she wrote something that I have treasured ever since: “It’s OK, Krista, you’re just mid-dream.”
Mid-dream.
Isn’t that beautiful?
And she was right. We are mid-dream. Both Bear and I dream of building our farm into an oasis of beauty and tidiness and productivity. We had these dreams when I arrived in Australia two and a half years ago, little knowing that shortly after getting here my body would finally relax and I would crumple. Utterly. Instead of spending two and a half years building, creating, and fixing, we’ve spent it getting me better, doing whatever it took to help me heal from PTSD, Depression, and crippling illness. We call it Survival Mode.
I don’t now what Survival Mode looks like to you, but to me it was hanging on for dear life, hoping against hope that one day the darkness would dissipate and I would experience light and peace and happiness again.
It did. 🙂 And I am grateful beyond measure. We often look back at the last two years and smile and shake our heads wondering, “How did we survive that?!” But we did and I’m so proud of us. Proud of us for sticking together and helping each other and never giving up hope.
When Sue arrived for our anticipated day together, we had a marvelous time exploring the farm and eating and talking and all those good things. I told her how much her words had meant to me and we talked about the “mid-dreams” in our lives.
I’ve thought of our talks often since then. I’ve realized that most of life IS mid-dream. The culmination of efforts, the realization of dreams are mere flashes in the pan compared to the long, hard slog of dream building. So much emphasis is put on producing, completing, and arriving, that somehow the pleasures and satisfaction of the journey itself get lost. I’m not living like that anymore.
Since talking with Sue I’ve embraced my mid-dream life, looking with love and acceptance on the ugly and unfinished parts, seeing in them possibility and hope. I’m not ashamed to have people visit our farm now. I know some will judge me and that’s OK. I’m comfy in my life, I know how far we’ve come, and how hard we’re working to build and grow this place we love so much. This acceptance has trickled down into other mid-dreams too. Regarding my body shape and health and education and career and finances and friendships. Growing has become a pleasure instead of a pressure, and that is lovely.
Last night Bear and I were watching “River Cottage: Australia” and the host mentioned a saying from his dad: “Every day is a school day.” I love that. Every day is a chance to learn and grow, and I get to be a lifelong student. What a gift.
Now I’m going to finish my coffee and chat with Bear then head to town to pick up fruit trees for our orchard. Yesterday I got figs and pomegranates planted, and tomorrow I hope to get pears, mulberries, bays, and some raspberry canes put in. I can’t wait to see this place in a few years. 🙂
Do you have a mid-dream in your life? I’d love to hear about it. xo
What is the saying”It’s not the destination, it’s the journey”??? It is a helpful reminder for us all!
Yes, that is exactly it, Tracy. 🙂 XO
It is lovely to see the farm isn’t mid-green, it is totally green. What a pleasure to look at it every day. When there is something mid-dream in our house or garden I tend to just not look at it. I am so glad you are feeling good Krista because you have worked so hard to get better. Friends don’t care about what your mid-dream bits are looking like, they only care about you. 🙂 I feel my whole life is mid-dream!
It is an absolute pleasure, @budgetjan:disqus 🙂 And we’re even getting a little rain this evening to keep the green going a bit longer. So happy. 🙂 I laughed at your last phrase because that’s how I feel too!! And now I know it’s totally OK. 🙂 XO
PTSD can be frightening to live with, but being mid dream rather than just trying to survive is a great way to get through this!
Yes, Tandy, frightening is the right word for it. I’m so thankful to be in this new and good place of peace. 🙂 xo
I love that perspective; so beautiful and so applicable to just about every aspect of my life right now. And those photos! If they’re of your farm, I’d say this mid-dream you’re in is a pretty wonderful one. (The middle one is my favorite. Magical!)
They are of our farm, @BethanyBassett:disqus , out back, in the woods, my favorite place. 🙂 XO
So, so good. Mid-dream. I love that. What a good way to look at the process. I feel exactly the same when we have people over or talk to them. We’re mid-dream, its messy and not easily explainable but we love it.
I needed the jolt in the arm this morning to embrace it.
And, those pictures are utterly breathtaking.
I’m so glad it was a good jolt, dear @breannemosher:disqus 🙂 You guys are building an amazing life and I’m so proud of you and cheering for you. XO
oh yes! my “farm” is very much smaller than yours but we seem always in “mid-dream”. john lennon said, “life is what happens to you when you’re on your way to somewhere else!”. it’s what we’ve got, we have to take it and make something with every day of it. you’re doing fine!
“make something with every day of it” – love that, Paradis. 🙂 XO
I so needed to read this today – what a great reminder that life is a marathon, not a sprint. I tend to be overly-pessimistic and way too much of a perfectionist. It’s so important to embrace the imperfections…that’s how we learn and grow!
I’m so glad, @inspiringtravellers:disqus 🙂 I’m too much of a perfectionist too. Bear laughs because I want to do and fix everything NOW! 🙂 I’m the sprinter, he’s the long distance runner, and somehow we muddle along and good things happen. 🙂
Sue sounds like an excellent friend! Also, forget all that guilt-inducing cleanliness nonsense. A bit of mess here and there is good for the soul, I’m sure of it. Better the quote: ‘Excuse the mess, but we live here.’ I bet those rusting cars add character and the bits of material waiting to be turned into things – oh, the anticipation! Enjoy your mid-dream state! XO
I love that, @katyabroad:disqus 🙂 We DO live here, and life is often messy and haphazard, isn’t it? XO
Here is a saying to put next to “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” et al. “The man with a clear desk is not working” 😉 Lovely post, Krista 😀
I shared that with Bear and we both grinned, @Kayrpea61:disqus 🙂 That’s a good one. 🙂
Love to see a Bear with a big grin (or maybe “Beware the Bear with a big grin!”) 🙂
LOL! Beware is right, @Kayrpea61:disqus 🙂 He’s a cheeky bugger. 🙂
What a charming thought!
Yes, it meant a great deal to me, @lizposmyk:disqus 🙂
‘Mid-dream’ is an absolute cracker of a description. Please tell Sue a lot of us will borrow that. 🙂
I sure will, @disqus_v9uRgGTGfe:disqus 🙂 She was so surprised that it was so meaningful, but to me it was a life preserver. 🙂
So often in reading your blog, I discover a photo or story that quickly becomes my new favourite. This post resonates so clearly for me and holds a place of its own! I seem to inhabit that mid-dream space right now, and like you, I’m learning to reject conventions and external attitudes that don’t support my notions of authenticity, well-being, and simplicity. To some it may appear that my life is incomplete or missing the so-called markers of success. But by my definition, “mid-dream” is a lovely place to be. This post casts a beautiful light on a territory that so many of us find murky and anxiety-producing. Thank you, Krista (and Sue!) xx
“murky and anxiety-producing” – yes, dear @Jacqueline_at_Bliss:disqus , those words describe it perfectly. Mid-dream is lovely, so lovely. I feel so much more at peace and content. It’s a good, good thing. 🙂 XO
What a lovely post. I do know about your fears of having someone come to stay as I grew up with a mother who kept a home like it was about to be photographed for Vogue Living. We were all too afraid to sit on a chair for fear of messing it up. When I left home and I knew she was coming over for a visit I’d be feeling sick with worry. I’d spend all day scrubbing bathrooms and vacuuming and setting tables and arranging flowers and trying to give the illusion that I had the same standards. And I do, it’s just like you, I’m mid-dream! What a beautiful friend you have to reply to your email with such encouraging words – it’s so important that we just accept others for where they’re at! xx
“Mid-dream”: what wonderful term! Our little yard is on that journey too. Raised beds, raspberry bushes, replacing concrete with garden space: all waiting on the house to stop hoarding all our home-maintenance resources. Hopefully this year we’ll at least get a proper composter to contain our ever-growing mound of kitchen-scraps-turned fertilizer. Planning for future improvements while still enjoying the unfinished present is always a challenge. Glad your friend was able to provide a fresh eye for the current beauty amidst construction. Happy planting!
My husband would love your farm, iron and sheet metal that needs to be turned into something, he would be an absolute heaven. As a blacksmith he is very good at seeing beauty in old discarded metal. One persons junk is another mans treasure, right.
“Mid-dream.” I love it.
Krista I just love this post oh so much! You have completely summed up my philosophy on life so eloquently. While I know that I know that I know in the depths of my heart that life is a wonderfully, imperfect adventure, there are those ‘things’ that I wrestle with day in and day out. You know what I mean – those guilt inducing things that you write of that too often cause us to freeze with fear and hold us back from living! Can’t wait to read more! 🙂 P.s. If it’s the Sue I’m thinking of, she’s a pretty special and wise woman that’s for sure!