I haven’t been here for a long time. My beloved Bear died suddenly in October after a brief and brutal battle with cancer. My world collapsed that day, and I needed to pull my borders in close and care for my grief-stricken self.
I read once that grief cannot be fixed, it can only be tended. So, I’ve been tending to my grief the best I can. I give it all the space it needs, all the time and support it needs, and room for any expression it requires. No shame, no guilt, no judgment, no deadlines, just all the love, compassion, and patience I can muster so I can find my solid ground again.
After Bear died, I found an email he’d written me in response to the overwhelming fear and grief I felt at trying to imagine a life without him physically in it.
“My comfort is that, god forbid, should I precede you, I will leave a lady so in control of her destiny, so content in our love, that she will change what she has the power to change and rise above what she can’t. In this, I will give you the means to step up to the next stage in your life.”
I’m not ready to write here about his death and my grief. Maybe one day. But I am ready to gently ease my way back into the world again, slowly stepping up into this next stage of my life carrying with me the sure knowledge that Bear is always with me, my biggest champion and dearest love.
I treasure another note from him:
“My spirit is with you now, my love, and you know I am never too far away. Always a state of together, no question, just are. Two hearts as one.”
Those words are my comfort each day as I grieve the loss of physical Bear and breathe in gratitude for his spiritual presence that reminds me I am not alone or abandoned but always loved, always cared for, always supported. It doesn’t remove the grief, but it does ease my way through life.
After Bear’s death, I tried to hold my shattered heart together and find something, anything to help me keep living. One morning the grief overwhelmed me and I curled up in his big armchair and sobbed saying, “Babe, I can’t do it. I can’t find a purpose, I can’t find a reason, all I can see is pain.” And then I felt these words from him, “Darlin, what if you don’t need a purpose or a reason? What if you just get up each day and do something good and see what happens?”
I stopped crying and just sat there awhile. What if I don’t need a purpose or reason? What if it is enough to just do something good each day? It was the first time I could see a way forward, a glimmer of hope that perhaps I could survive this.
So, each morning I wake up and say, “Good morning, Bear!” and remind myself that I am safe and loved and supported. I have a cry if I need to, then get up and continue our tradition of a big cup of coffee and watching the sun come up. Then I figure out something good to do.
In the beginning, those good things weren’t much. The grief was too all-consuming to do more than the bare minimum of feeding animals and keeping plants alive and making sure I drank water and ate something and kept breathing.
But, as I adjusted to the understanding that death only stops physical life, it doesn’t stop love and connection, my brain made room for more and I was able to find good things to do not just for the present, but for the future.
I re-potted native edible plants we purchased for the food forest we planned, cuddled the eight puppies Bear’s dog gave birth to on New Year’s Day, picked and dried elderberries to put in the cordial blend I plan to sell at markets again one day, and harvested bundles of lemon verbena and lemon balm to dry on the back verandah for the workshops I hope to teach again when I’m ready.
I’ve mended fences, fixed broken water pipes, and coated the steps and verandahs with layers of Danish oil to keep the wood in good condition.
Sometimes I work alone with only our lovely dogs for company, while other times dear friends stop in to give big cuddles and fix machinery, help me figure out how to redo the irrigation system, or collect fallen trees and branches for the burn pile after epic summer storms make a mess of things.
Sometimes I do my good things with a peaceful heart feeling dearly loved and connected to my luvs, but others are fraught, laced with loneliness, sadness, and wondering what the point of it all is. And both reactions are OK. All of it is OK. It’s possible to be heartbroken and full of love at the same time, to be terrified of the future but delight in Bear’s favourite nasturtiums blooming, to feel hopeless yet grateful, lonely yet connected, purposeless while creating purpose by doing something good no matter what.
I don’t know what my future holds, but for now, tending my grief, doing something good each day, and loving myself, my loves, our land, and our animals is enough. xo
How brave you are! I like your approach and your faith in Bear being always by your side. One step at a time. I love you and think of you often. Grieve a heal at you pace.
xox
Thank you, Karin. XO Your notes to me through these horrific months have brought such comfort.
You and robbie are never far from my thoughts krista, i am glad you are doing ok, i wish nothing but healing, love and peace for you during this time. I hope to see you again at events one day, sending much love and warm hugs.
Thank you so much, Brianna. Hoping to see you at Abbey this year. XO
Sending gentle hugs.
Have been thinking of you during this time Krista. Glad you are loving one day at a time. Keeping finding the one good thing to do each day. I won’t say it gets easier. The “easier” comes and goes for awhile. But at least you have his notes to remind you he is still there with you. Take care of yourself day at a time. That is what I am sure he would want for you as much my Shann wanted for me when he passed. ((Hugs))
Oh Danielle, I always treasure words from those who have walked this path before me. Yes, you are right. They want us cared for, valued, loved. Always. XO
Yes, it is possible to feel all these things at the same time. Xx
You are an incredibly strong woman. I’m so proud of you. You are in my thoughts often. Much love. Marta x
Thank you, dear Marta. You were a light to me in my darkness and I carry those lessons through each day. XO
Oh frock luv
You’ve captured it so well.
Realising I was tending my grief and just doing something good may have made the early days of my journey easier.
We are such vast beings.
We can compass it all – fear, pain, numbness, joy, delight, laughter, all of it, all at once.
I’m so glad you know what it is to be loved, respected and cared for.
And so sorry for your loss.
Kindness always.
First to ourselves.
Now, let’s see what good thing I do today 😁 😚
“Kindness always. First to ourselves.” Love that dear, Suz. Hugs to you. XO
Tending to our grief is such a good way to view it. My heart hurts for your sorrow and you are in my thoughts daily.
I’m happy to see this post and to know you are taking each day as it comes with dear Bear’s spirit by your side.
Sending you bunches of love from Canada.
Lots of love,
Anitra
Thank you, dear friend. XO I’m so thankful for your regular reminders of love and care. XO
I’ve thought of you and this new chapter you are writing so often. . .as always, your words are comforting and inspiring. . .we are all with you in spirit, thanks for the update on your journey!! Much love❤
Thank you so much, Jackie. It’s so lovely to hear from you. XO
Well written Krista. I’m so very sorry for your heart loss. Thank you for tending to your grief meanwhile doing something good daily. You are truly inspiring ! Much love and prayers to you!
Thank you so much, Kara. XO I truly appreciate your kindness.
I am amazed at your strength. Remember your extended family in Canada loves you and hopefully we will see you again someday. Aunt Gerda
Thank you so much, Aunt Gerda. XO Your words mean a great deal to me.
Beautiful words, elegantly written. Glad to see you starting to find your way back a little at a time.
Sending love from across the pond! 💙
Thank you so much, Kelly. XO It’s so good to hear from you.
I’m so glad you wrote a new post. You came to my mind yesterday and my heart was aching for you. Bear is such a beautiful part of your life story and I can’t begin to imagine your loss. So happy you two found each other and enjoyed the time you had together. It certainly sounds like you both made each others lives so much brighter.
I’m happy to hear you’ve found some purpose in finding the next good thing to do, each day. If you haven’t read the book Miss Rumphius, it reminds me of her goal to make the world more beautiful. One of my favorite children’s books.
A friend of mine said to me yesterday, “You and Robbie saved each other.” And we did. XO Thank you so much for the book recommendation, Malorie. I just ordered it. XO
Krista, I have so missed you so much but I knew you would be bundled up with grief for a season before the strength came to step out again; your words are beautiful and hopeful and true. His words to you are so kind, like him. Blessings dear friend. Even in sorrow you find such beauty around. Such a gift that is and sharing what you discover is always such an encouragement to me.
I have held you in my heart all these months, knowing that you would find courage and hope and beauty.
I am so sorry that Bear is physically not with you but in spirit is always by your side.
God holds you both
Dear Susan, I have missed you too, so much. XO But I read your posts even when I couldn’t reach out, and they were comfort to me. Thank you for holding me in your heart. XO
Dear Krista, how well I know the journey you are on…we take it one day, one moment at a time, drawing strength from our memories and the love we feel even though the physical body is gone…I am so glad to see you posting again. Love you girl.
Dear Krista, my mother would have said to you : You have, alraidy, earned Heaven, being your husbands loving and ten ding angel. Now tend yourself, your body and soul, your business, your land and animals with angels touch. My friend, thank you for your post. Be well. Groeten uit Breda, Nederland van Godeliva.
Krista, thank you for adding beauty and hope to the world. I was just thinking how I miss your posts. Thinking of you in your loss and grief.
Darling Krista,
I feel like a book is going to come out of this. A book that reads as a diary of your adventures, and misadventures. A book that allows others to smile, laugh, love, and weep with you. A book that records the life of your season together. Hugs my dear!
I hear you Krista. I have traveled a somewhat similar journey. I am 2 years out now and there is life. But, it is tending to pain and sadness, as you said, that is always present. Tending is such an accurate way of putting it. My heart goes out to you as we all figure out ways to see the good in every day and keep on keep’in on. Hugs to you, Krista.
My darling Krista, such beautiful words, beautiful as you are, brave as you are, strong as you are! Such an awful time, but doing a good thing every day, I know helps. Love you sis 💕
Oh Krista, I’m so sorry 🙁
Lots of hugs,
Michelle
Such beautiful wise and brave words. I think about you so very very much. Much love to you as you meander along this new path in life .
Sending bunches & bunches of hugs to you, Krista.❤️
It is good to hear your “voice” again! Bear’s words are healing words for all of us I think, “What if it is enough to just do something good each day?” Love you!
I was very encouraged to see your blog. I have been concerned about you. I understand the plain of losing the man you love and plan your life with but on top of that I was concerned on how you could manage everything on the farm alone. I’m glad to hear friends have come along of you to help. I think of you often and always pray when I do. You adjust to the loss, pain and loneliness but it never really goes away and each person’s journey is different. I’m glad you’re taking the time you need to heal and recover even as you are making plans for thngs you’ll do in the futur when you’re ready.
Dear Krista, as a young woman I found myself where you are and was very ill-equipped to deal with it. The whole experience taught me much – about myself, life, and other people. There is no way round this, so it’s a case of putting one foot in front of the other, caring for yourself, treating yourself kindly, and accepting the love and support of those who hold you dear. There is light at the end of this tunnel, things will change, and you will feel better – and your beloved Bear will always be by your side. I send you much love. xxx