“Keep taking time for yourself until you’re you again.” Lalah Delia
For a long time after my Bear died last year, I didn’t think I’d ever be me again. The day he died, I went into shock. The following days, weeks, and months are a blur to me now, a hazy memory of trying to breathe, making myself eat, and doing the farm chores with tears streaming down my face as I told Bear over and over, “I can’t do this, babe, I can’t”.
My brain couldn’t accept the fact that my love was gone, that the creak I heard on the back steps wasn’t him coming up from the shed for a cuppa and chat, the ring of my phone wasn’t him calling to see how my day was going, that his side of the bed was empty when I’d reach for him in the night. It felt like nothing would ever be OK again.
And for a while, nothing was. Things got worse. Much worse.
Drought ravaged the farm creating cracks so big in the soil that I could slide my arm into them. Dogs and a fox got into my paddocks and killed half my herd and I spent days burning bodies. “Shiny, Happy People”, a documentary of the cult I was raised in, came out, triggering horrible dreams, PTSD, and severe flashbacks. Bushfires raged, I was hospitalised twice, and a nightmare litigation ensued.
I told Bear, “I can’t do this, babe, I can’t.” And felt him say in return, “I know, darlin’, it’s too much, but you will.”
So, I hung on. And when I couldn’t hang on, dear friends propped me up and gave me the love and support I needed to take another step forward. I went to therapy, read everything I could about grief, and sat with my shadows until I could see them for what they really were – my greatest strengths and the very things I needed to get through this life.
My neighbour helped me repair the irrigation so my plants and trees could have a fighting chance in the drought, I rebuilt fences and gates and made them dog and fox-proof, and I took ownership of my situation and studied Queensland law so I could navigate the litigation to the best of my ability.
In time, things got better. Rain came at last, putting out fires, filling in the cracks, and turning the whole region a dazzling green. Wounded animals recovered, rebuilt fences have done their job, and I’m no longer afraid of or intimidated by lawyers and litigation.
Even more precious is discovering that even though grief doesn’t go away, the soul/heart/spirit, whatever you want to call it, expands and stretches and makes room for peace and joy and love too. They’ve squeezed in alongside my loneliness and heartbreak and despair until they’re all nestled together quite cosily, enabling me somehow to live again. The pain of Bear’s death will always be with me, but as I care well for myself and stay close to my steadfastly loving people, I find that it gets cushioned, its sharp edges softened.
I understand now that I’ll never be me again, not the old me. She is gone. But I can be the new me, the now me, the ever-changing, never-give-up, plant-seeds-in-drought me.
I know bushfires will flare up again, drought will return, and I will lose people I love. Unkind people will need to be stood up to, animals will die, and life will go all sorts of wonky, but I will be OK. Now I know to my very bones that no matter what happens, even when I can’t do it, I will.
Well hello to the new you! You are stronger, wiser and infinitely more resilient than before. Your heart is much bigger too. It has room for all of your love for/with your Bear, room for the crushing grief that lives there permanently now, and room for all the love, happiness and joy that is to come.
Hold your head up, girl.
Hello to you, dear Amanda. xo Thank you so much for your kind words.
Beautiful words! Welcome to the world again.
I am so happy to see you writing again. You never know how strong you are until you have to do things you never thought you would have to. You are the kindest person I know and I love you very much. I am so proud of you and I’m so grateful you found the strength to make it through this storm. I am never too far or too busy for a chat.
Sending so much love. Thank you for this beautiful share.
Thank you so much, dear Cheryl. Love makes everything easier to bear. XO
A nod of the head to the old you, an embrace for the new you, and a big squishy hug for you xx
Thank you so much, Leah. XO Squishy hugs are such a gift.
Darling Krista, I have thought about you so often since learning of Bear’s death, imagining the challenge of navigating each day without your soulmate. But as Ghandi once wisely observed, “In the midst of darkness, light persists.” I am so happy that you have found that light, despite the dark days, once again. My heart embraces your own across the globe and wishes you more light than dark as you continue on life’s journey ❤️
Hello to the new krista!!!! This entry has made me cry and smile all at the same time, hearing that you have overcome such adversity and come out of it soo much stronger, you have never been far from my thoughts since your great loss, I am wishing you all the best for your new adventures! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, Brianna. XO I’m grateful for your kindness and good wishes.
I always knew you’d get through this. So proud of you, beautiful woman xx
To whatever ‘you’ you are now, welcome back. I have thought of you often this past year and wondered how you were. So happy to read this report of your journey to today. Please keep the updates coming. You have a world of friends out here caring for you~
You are the you-est you I know, and a very wonderful you, too 🙂
Dearest Krista
So happy for you. The loss of Bear will always be in your heart, but you will live with it.♥️
You are a very strong woman, so you can do it
Lots of love and hugs
Krista, I cannot imagine the journey you have been on this last year. I smiled as you described the darkness lifting.
Love and peace to you my friend.
Velva
Beautifully said. I can relate to the spirit of this, if not the circumstances. Welcome back! I will never forget the kindness you showed to me many years ago as I was beginning my journey back to me (I didn’t know then that it was the beginning. Only in hindsight can I see it) xoxxo
Dear Krista: I’m so happy that you are back with your beautifully written posts and marvelous photographs. I do hope that your life will be on a positive track now after all the miseries you have had to endure.
Sending love and all my best. Thank you for sharing yourself with us, your readers and faraway friends. ❤️
Sweet Krista – how my heart soars with happiness to see your beautiful words written once again.. Words of encouragement to others that they too can rebuild from tragedy and soul wrenching loneliness – how well I know that feeling. Thank you for letting us on the outside of your world know you are doing well. Welcome back dear lady.
Krista, you continue to awe and wow me at every turn, with your beautiful self, strength, and words. Miss you so much!! ❤️