Yesterday afternoon as thick, black clouds blotted out the sun and made our little world wonderfully dark and still, I sat on the veranda with my Luna girl and just enjoyed it. Grass parrots flitting about in streaks of color, occasional bleats from the newborn goats in the paddock, our three little sheep trotting along from one grassy morsel to the next. In such moments our farm feels like a world unto itself. How I love it.
The last couple of months have been precious to me, ones of healing so deep that I nearly feel giddy from the heady sensation of darkness dispelled and crushing burdens dissolved. I knew my physical ailments were rooted in past trauma, but I had no idea how much until those traumas were addressed, healed, and released, and my pain went with them.
I’ve been on pain killers nearly every day since I got out of the cult fifteen years ago. Now I only need them on rare occasions, usually after a treatment as my body lets go of all the bad stuff. I haven’t had a nightmare in months. I fall asleep quickly, sleep well, and wake up most days without an alarm clock – which is saying something since I get up at 1:50 a.m. for work.
The biggest change has been the connected feeling I have within myself. As a coping mechanism, I learned to disassociate, to disconnect from myself and others, but I don’t need to do that anymore. And bit by bit, like collecting puzzle pieces that were thrown hither and thither by an enthusiastic toddler, I’m being pieced back together again. It’s been the most exquisite reunion, a wondrous sense of wholeness.
I’m deeply grateful for the lovely Bernie Giggins who has done so much to heal this battered heart and body of mine. Her kindness, wisdom, and marvelous sense of humor have seen me through the darkest moments of my life with a sense of security and strength. I’m still working through things, still finding areas that need to be visited and healed, but the progress I’ve made thus far means the world to me and gives me such hope.
That’s why I’ve been so quiet here. It’s been my time to be my own Mama Bear, to look after own soul with all the ferocity and loyalty of a grizzly mother. To fight for quietness and rest so my body can recuperate after each healing session. To protect my time to learn new ways of being, behaving, and connecting that are healthy and loving and good. And to focus on the things that bring me joy: my people, my gardens, animals, and books, my art and going on little adventures.
I haven’t had words until now. Not for my journal, not for my blog, not even to speak, but I’m finding them, and as I string them together, I’ll share them here.
It’s winter here now, but you’d never know it. I’m still picking tomatoes, my pea vines are covered with pods, and we have baby goats leaping about all over the place. It’s marvelous.
Bear and I have been doing all sorts of creative projects: building high backed medieval chairs, sewing a medieval quilt, and wood-burning everything from boxes to wooden clogs. I made a potting shed for my gardens and have been weaving sticks into my garden fences to create an artsy barrier for our goats. I made quince jam and Hungarian sausages, hot pepper jelly and apple wine. It’s been so fun.
One thing I’ve learned through all this is the importance of little adventures, and in the weeks to come I’ll be sharing some of my favorites from the last couple of months.
What is your favorite way to Mama Bear your heart? xo
Oh my gosh, a cult. Someday I hope you can share your story to prevent others from being drawn in.
So glad you are finding peace Krista. Those adventures are marvellous. Another one tomorrow. See you then.
Wow…just wow!! I am so glad you shared these things with us Krista…I feel like we’re walking parallel journeys though my trauma details are a little different…the path is very similar and I am just now finally tasting and glimpsing some true hope and freedom. So so happy you are in a better place and I look forward to hearing and seeing more of the goodness in your life. Hugs
Love the new lease on life energy flowing through your words, what an amazing awakening it has been & the best of Krista is yet to come. What a pleasure to witness the emerging, like a butterfly, of an even more beautiful soul that you are, xx??
Beautiful post, so glad you are doing well.
So glad you are doing well and healing. Hope you continue to feel better and renewed each day.
Oh wow- a cult. That’s so scary. I’m glad you seem well on the road to recovery. Best wishes.
So glad to hear you are doing so well Krista, you sound really happy! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s not easy.
It is AWESOME to see your beautiful post, I have missed you. It is wonderful to read that you are finding positive, happy and enjoyable ways forward and not staying stuck in the past. I really have enjoyed following your journey Krista, your words inspire me to keep on trucking with my life and to follow my heart too. Big hugs and love. xo
I think being in the garden and creating your own food is one of the most magically rewarding and therapeutic things you can do. Thanks so much for sharing your story 🙂
Glad that you are taking the necessary time to heal and nurture your soul. Day by day and step by step. My favorite way to “mama bear” myself is to take care of body (exercise) of my mind (meditate) and feed my soul – good food and positive messages. Sending you lots of hugs!!
glad the healing process is being so positive for you 🙂
Oh Krista what wonderful news you share! Healing is such a difficult and painful process that we often seem to go forward one step and then retreat three steps. At least for me often. But you are braving moving forward and shedfing the former skin of pain. You are an encouragement to us all! So happy for you and glad you’re sharing, it encourages me to keep searching and moving forward to self-love. xox Karin
I immerse myself in a book – most likely a travel story – or a story about living in another country. It has to be non-fiction. I think it makes me feel connected and I admit I do like imagining myself doing the same. That’s how I Mama Bear myself. Thanks for asking Mama Bear. 🙂
PS Growing things is a rewarding thing to do as well. At the moment I’ve planted a wheelbarrow full of herbs and have pineapples growing (no pineapples yet, but the plants are thriving, basil, a giant rosemary bush that I get great pleasure from and sunflowers. I’ve grown snow peas before and they grow like Jack in the Bean Stalk vines.
It’s the beautiful little joys and adventures in life isn’t it? I hope the healing progress goes well for you. I can’t imagine everything that you’ve gone through.