It is quiet and still this afternoon. Fezzik, our new Rottweiler pup, is sleeping on the floor beside me, a pork roast is slow-cooking in the oven, filling the house with wonderful smells, and the cuckoo clock is ticking softly, making everything feel peaceful and steady.
I’m feeling so thankful today after a decidedly rough couple of weeks.
I’ve had a feeling for a while that my body was nearly ready to tackle the next layer of bad stuff from my past. I wasn’t looking forward to it – the darkness is painful and sad and awful – but I was looking forward to the light I knew would come after.
The trigger came the day a friend asked, “Did this happen to you?” That simple question blasted a hole in the dam of that next layer, and memories and flashbacks poured in like a flood. That week was supposed to be spent writing my travel articles early so I wouldn’t be cramming at the end, but instead it was spent processing those memories, grappling with grief and fear and pain, wrestling with the painful truth that no one is all good or all bad.
It would be so much easier to deal with bad guys if they were all bad, but they aren’t. And I think that’s what traps us sometimes, what keeps us in abusive relationships, families, work situations, friendships. I think that’s what makes us feel guilty when we break off contact or limit contact or set boundaries with people. Yes, we tell ourselves, this person makes me afraid, insecure, unworthy of love or kindness or respect, this person physically harms me, emotionally crushes me or spiritually abuses me, BUT sometimes they’re really nice, so we stay, and other people think they’re really nice, so we stay, and we don’t have enough money/support/knowledge to leave, so we stay.
It’s the staying part that crushed me the most this week. How could I not have known that “this” wasn’t OK? How could I have “let” them do this? How could I not have done then what I would do now?
My friend, Alyssa, shared these words, and how I love them:
“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.”
There’s life in those words, life and hope and comfort.
So I did the healing work.
I wrote out the truth of what happened, how it affected me, and how it made me feel.
I spoke out the truth.
And I forgave myself for not knowing what I didn’t know before I learned it.
Through it all, I took extra good care of myself, because such things take the stuffings out of us, don’t they? Homemade soup, walks outside, puppy cuddles, hubby cuddles, as much sleep and rest as I could get.
And when all the bad was out, it was time to fill in those spaces with good things, with truth, with connections to good, loving people.
We had our medieval friends over for a sausage-roast over the campfire, fun projects, and, most importantly, good hugs. When you’ve worked through betrayals from the past, it’s deeply healing to connect with the faithful friends.
We went for bike rides and painted on the veranda and bought flowers and seedlings to put in my gardens.
I also started building good, loving connections with my past. Remembering the good things doesn’t blot out the bad things or make them OK, it just reminds me of the good things that shaped me, kept my soul intact, and gave me the courage and strength to survive the bad.
I drew pictures of the things and people and experiences that brought me joy then and bring me joy now: singing around the Christmas tree, camping in the Canadian wilderness, beloved books and old movies, popcorn, cheese and apples every Sunday night, campfires and s’mores, sleigh rides at night over the Alberta prairies, listening to audio books on road trips, playing with legos, canoeing when mist still hung over the lake, watching old Disney movies, reading old books.
These are the things from my past that I cherish, the things I carry with me into the life I have now, a life I’m beyond grateful for.
What are precious things from your past that bring you joy today? xo
Why did you stay?! I say: how did you leave? Beyond brave and truely amazing. It’s easy to stay when the unknown is the only path. You did leave though and made life much better for it. You survived long enough to leave that all behind, what a strong and formidable woman you are.
It sounds like it was a tough week Krista but you were able to find things to do to help you heal. It’s still early here so nothing from my past has made an impact today! 🙂 x
The past shall set yuo free – those words came to mind when I read this post. So good to fill your spaces with love and light. This week I will be meeting up with friends some of whom I have not seen for 35 years 🙂
THe memory of my grandparents and the time I was given with them always lifts up my heart so much. I do think that you’re right, and I go even further: sometimes we do not set boundaries we need to or we stay in certain relationships (family, friends, most times) because there’s good in those people, of course, and we tend to believe we are the ones in the wrong, we are the only ones seeing the bad, so the bad must be in us and not in them. I still find myself gravitating to a certain type of people who end up making me feel like absolute crap, unworthy of even the most basic needs in life, people who demand my support and take it for granted because it’s owed them but NEVER support me. And all the time I think it’s my fault, the problem’s not in them but in me. I am learning now, it’s a looong process, and severitng those ties slowly, but I do tend to believe I am in the wrong, not them. After all, I am the one feeling hurt, or crappy, or insecure, so it must be me.
I identify with so much of what you wrote, Ruth Miranda. Thank you for sharing part of your story. XO
What a difficult, but hopefully rewarding, process. Sending love for more and more healing and joy. I love that quote, too – “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learnt it”, will have to remember that one.
Thank you for sending through healing love, Elissa. I really appreciate it. 🙂
“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” – I love that quote – your friend is very wise. You really are amazing to bring out your past issues and look at them squarely in the face. I hope you can discard them now, as they are of no use to you. We all have something that we have to discard. For me, one of my joys is going out to the wheatbelt where my parents lived before they were married, and where we used to visit my Aunt’s farm as a child. It feels like coming home.
Have a blessed week.
What a beautiful joy for you to experience and enjoy, Jill. Thank you so much for your wise and kind words. XO
ps – I love that light in your photos and those views over the paddocks and through the trees. Looks so peaceful.
Thank you so much, Jill. The light at the end of the day is so magical. 🙂
Like Jill, I love the quote “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” It is something like, “If only I had known then, what I know now” or “Hindsight is 20-20.” Your post made me think of so many sweet memories of year’s past and the photos are spectacular!
Me too, dear Jackie. Such healing and empowering words that help us move on. XO
That is such an incredible post Krista, so moving, so wise, so vulnerable. My heart is with you. Thank you for sharing. Xx
Thank you for standing with me through this, Jo. I greatly appreciate it. XO