The sun is inching up over the fields, soft and shimmery, turning transparent grass heads into luminous lanterns that flicker and dance in the breeze.

I just finished my coffee and am tucked up in bed, keeping warm in the chilly Spring air as I read and write and contemplate before my work day begins.

For the past several months, I’ve been thinking about this quote from the movie, “A Monster Calls”:

“Most of us just get messily ever after. And that’s OK.”

Messily ever after. It makes me smile every time.

Happily ever after is exhausting. But messy? I can do messy.

I can also do different. Weird. Baffling-to-other-people.

And that makes me smile too.

For most of my life I was too scared to be myself, too filled with shame, too overwhelmed with the demands and expectations of others. I was so broken down that I didn’t even know who Me was, let alone how to be her.

But I know Me now, and I’m learning every day how to be Me with courage and strength and resilience and confidence and lashings of gratitude.

It’s rather messy.

And wonderful. And scary. And endlessly interesting.

In the beginning of this process, I was ferociously independent. I wanted to Do Everything By Myself. Just like a 3-year-old, testing my limits, discovering my strengths and weaknesses, figuring out what I liked and disliked.

I was learning to set boundaries with myself and others.

I look back on that time with much tenderness. I understand now that after having control taken away from me for so long, I had to exert fierce control over everything for a while to figure out my own mind, my own needs, my own ways of doing things.

I had to get comfortable and secure being Me so that when I went out into the world again, I wouldn’t be knocked down, I wouldn’t return to a place of victimhood and abuse.

The last several months have been ones of loosening my grip on things, and it is good. So good. The lessons I’ve learned through this process have spilled over into every area of my life, transforming the way I do marriage, friendship, work, life.

In my work life, I’ve been a solitary oyster for a long time. It was the only way I felt safe. But not anymore. I AM safe and secure in myself, no outer affirmation or validation needed, and now I can collaborate without fear.

I now have a team I work with, and the joy of that makes me thankful every day. It is a wonderful thing to work with people I trust and enjoy and admire tremendously. I love how we all have our own strengths that make us invaluable, and our own weaknesses that make us value each other. And it’s really nice to wake up each day and know that as we each do what we’re good at, we’re creating work that is infinitely better than if we were struggling along on our own trying to do everything.

I’ve learned that my weaknesses are not something to be ashamed of. I don’t need to be good at everything. My weaknesses are just signals that I either need training or I need help.

So I ask for help from smart, kind people, and am learning so much about finances, business processes, and emotional intelligence.

I love learning new things and watching clever people do what they do best.

Yes, life is messy. It’s a crazy, inspiring hodge-podge of healing and learning and working and creating.

Life is also beautiful. A beautiful whirlwind of work and play and the things that restore my soul and create new memories for me, Bear, our friends.

Recently we went to the beach, breathing deeply of salt-kissed air while ambling through the surf and soaking up sunshine. We’ve sat around the campfire with good mates, hunted for treasures at our favourite thrift shops, read good books by lamplight.

I am grateful for my messily-every-after life, grateful that it doesn’t have to be perfect to be good.

What are you loving about your life today? xo