My brother Evan died last week. It was sudden, horrific, and utterly devastating to his wife, our family, and all those who loved him.
For days I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Grief is like that. It snatches all that is easy and familiar and makes it feel impossible: breathing, eating, sleeping, connecting, laughing. But every day, somehow, I wake up and do those impossible things.
I try to link arms with grief, letting it have my attention whenever it demands it, catching my breath in the moments it releases its death grip on my heart. I see grief as my reminder that I have given and known love. If I hadn’t, grief wouldn’t be here.
I talk to Evan a lot. When I feed the animals and water the gardens; when I’m making dinner or can’t sleep at night. I tell him how much I love him, how much I miss him, and how angry I am at him for leaving us and breaking our hearts. I remind him of funny stories from our childhood, forgive him for the times he hurt me, and thank him for the ways he inspired and strengthened me.
I have two pieces of paper that I write on: Evan – Good Memories, Evan – Bad Memories.
Sometimes death drives us to elevate people to sainthood or heroism and I don’t think that’s honest or fair. We are all made of light and shadow, and to deny that is to deny the humanity that connects us.
So, as I remember Evan – Light Evan and Shadow Evan – I write those things down. Sometimes they’re things that make me cry so hard I feel like I will break in two, other times they make me laugh until I’m doubled over, tears of hilarity streaming down my face. Mostly they’re just little nothings, the simple, quiet things that made him, him. I’ve got light and shadow too. And I hope that when it’s my turn to go, my people will remember them both and love me still.
I recently read something Evan wrote about a particularly difficult time in his life:
“You know what though… I’m glad we went through that. The most unbreakable bonds are those forged in the fires of hardship and difficulty…Not being able to do all the things we wanted to do and dreamed of doing was exactly what we needed to evolve… it took away the external distractions of material things and activities and forced us to look inwards. It forced us to face the inner demons we avoided and address our weaknesses. We resisted at first, but then it became necessary for survival. We had to change our minds, we had to change the way we perceive things happening. Life is a never-ending succession of lessons to be learned…The inner work we put in will allow us to move on to the next lesson… let’s become life lesson experts together, let’s see every problem as an opportunity to create a solution… our own little life game we’ll play.”
These words make me smile because they are so Evan. In many ways, he was a hermit. He only had so much energy for people and then he was DONE and would have to skedaddle into silence until he was ready to connect again. Then he’d swoop in out of nowhere like a hurricane of love and encouragement and support, the best cheerleader you could ever hope for, brimming over with all the wisdom and affection he could lavish on you until he disappeared again. Like a burly Viking fairy godmother. For a long time that hurt me. It felt like rejection and abandonment every time he’d disappear. But then I realised it was just him, his light and shadow, and with understanding, came peace. I could be my own cheerleader, my own rock of support and love and encouragement. I could take those Viking fairy godmother moments from my brother and speak them to myself every day. I could take the pain I felt from his disappearances and make sure I don’t do that to my people. Just because I understand his shadow side, doesn’t mean I need to repeat it.
I love that Evan never stopped learning and growing. Ever. I loved our Viking fairy godmother chats because they were chockablock full of all the things he’d been pondering and wondering and thinking through in his hermit time. His last message to me was brimming with love and affection. He told me how proud he was of me for facing the traumas of my past and making a new, beautiful life out of the ashes of the old one. He was so happy I had found Bear and that I was safe and loved and had an amazing tribe of people who truly have my back. He never called me Krista, only Girl. “Girl,” he’d say, “You’ve got this. You’re amazing and strong and smart and creative. I love you and I’m proud of you.”
I can’t travel to the States for Evan’s funeral, so Bear and I are having a ceremony here too. Evan always wanted a Viking funeral, so we’re building a Viking longboat to honour him. I think he’d smile at that.
“Girl,” he’d say. “That’s awesome.”
My heart goes out to you.
Beautiful tribute to your brother. Memories live forever to wrap us in a blanket of love.
I’m so sorry you couldn’t travel to be at his service with all your loved ones Krista. I love that you are building him a viking longboat, what a beautiful way to honor him. It took me longer than it should have to read this through my tears. I could hear your voice and feel your words in my heart. I love you my friend 🤍
Tears for you and for Evan and for your family. Love you dear old friend.
Krista
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you and your family and Evan’s wife of course. I am also sorry for the pain that Evan went through. I can relate to some extent. I had a period in my life where being in that dark pit rarely left me while I was awake and then barely slept anyway. Life becomes a struggle almost every minute of your existence and little makes you happy and it’s difficult to even raise your head. I am so glad that you gave so many great memories of Even and so happy that your last memory of him in conversation was so beautiful. I hope that I am not saying all of the wrong things, but one wonders what are the appropriate things to say at a time like this. I turned 70 a couple f weeks ago and have been thinking a great deal about my life and the future. I have many regrets, but I also realize how lucky I am especially with having my soul mate too. I have been considering that maybe in the end we just get to do it all over again, but somehow have learned from the pitfalls that we had in the first round. Of course deep down I seriously doubt it, but it’s as good a theory as any other since No One really knows. I hope one day that we get to meet you face to face in this life or with Evan in the next cycle. You are obviously a unique and beautiful spirit.
Dennis
Well said! ❤️ You captured the yin and yang within us all. I’m so sorry you lost your brother. My heart is with you. If you need to talk to someone; I’m here. Much love to you!
Krista, thank you for sharing. When my brother passed others’ drive to beatify him really messed me up because it attempted to erase the mark that his shadows made on others. So, again., thank you. It won’t be easy, but you got this.
Much love!
Jill-ann
Such wisdom, you really do have this, you are amazing. Your brother is right to be so proud of you. He will love the Viking send off you are going to have too!! Love and hugs to you my darling friend Krista x
A Viking celebration of life seems fitting. Carry on with his words of wisdom in your ears forever. I think you would both like that.
Thank you for sharing, there are some beautiful truths in your words,
I’m sorry for your loss, and wish you all the best. Grief is a funny thing (not in a ha ha way), but I love how you are doing your best, especially under the no travel circumstances. Take care. x
That was really real and that’s what made it beautiful Krista. Thinking and praying for you all in these days. Jonathan
So heartbroken for you and your family, Krista. Your words are beautiful and honest. I love that your remembering him with a Viking longboat. I didn’t know Evan well but from afar that feels so so fitting. Huge hug to you. ❤️
Oh, Krista – there are no words to offer at a time like this. . .if I were close enough I’d break COVID rules and give you a big hug. You have described grief so perfectly and so beautifully. Thank you for sharing this in your time of shadow. . .and light! Much love to you!! Jackie
Krista, I am so sorry to hear this news, I grieve with you and your family. What an amazing tribute to Evan. Writing down your thoughts is a healing in itself. Much love to you. And what a fitting send off you and Bear will give him.
I too lost my big brother last week. We had an incredible relationship. I keep looking at photos of us together.We were always the Swedish boys. I will carry on with part of me gone.
Krista, thank you for sharing. I am so very sorry for you…. and your family. It brings me back to my brother – who was less than a year older than I – when he tragically decided to end his life. I still talk to him as if he is here – and I miss him. Your expressed sentiments are raw, real and beautiful. My love goes out to you.
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing you.
Krista, my sincere and deep condolences on Evan’s death. Grief is a multi-layered experience. Thank you for sharing what I know is only a bit of yours with us so that we may carry some of that grief with you from afar.
Oh, friend! Thank you for writing and sharing. I needed this. My best friend’s husband died last week, horrifically, unexpectedly. I have been trying to work through the range of emotions, The Light, and Shadow. Thank you for giving words to all I have been feeling but couldn’t quite sort through. I am so sorry that you have to walk this road as a sister. Much love to you!
I remember coming to your family’s house after church! After Evan, Dana & I got our baseball card collections all situated we would head out back to play basketball. I remember it like it was yesterday. I’m sorry for you and your family’s loss!!! RIP Evan!!!
I’m so sorry for your loss, dear Krista. You’ve created a beautiful tribute to Evan and remembering all of him. Much love to you.
I grieve with you. Evan was special. Thank you for sharing, love you!
Oh Krista. What a huge loss to be grieving. I’m sorry to hear about Evan. Thank you for sharing how you are processing and the ways you remember him.
I am so sorry for your loss! Your written tribute is amazing….you capture the heart break and the love in the memories. May your days be filled with those loving remembering thoughts.
My dear friend, I am so sorry for your very sad loss of your brother and to be taken so suddenly. My hug is here. You will have wonderful memories. You do have lovely memories. I love that he called you “girl”. My eldest son calls me that too., “alright girl”. he says. My youngest son, hibernates or goes off the radar too. Its who they are. A beautiful tribute to your brother. Big hugs and thinking of you. Xxx
Fantastic tribute! So many memories come back from the relatively small window of time I spent with Evan (and you). The words are so descriptive and paint a picture beyond your own feelings, but are in fact a window into the man.
Krista, Much love being sent your way. May you feel the loving arms of those who love you embrace your heart and soul. May the memories be like sweet incense that fills your being with the love of your brother. Let the tears flow and my you embrace grief as it is a gift of love to someone who you have loved and lost to this earth but not to your heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers sweet girl!
.
Dear Krista, My deepest condolances to you, your family and Evan’s family. You wrote such a beautiful tribute to Evan. God bless you all.
Very sorry for your loss. My toddler daughter is bringing the pieces of a puzzle over now. We’ll work at putting them together. Thank you for sharing with us.
Krista you’ve honored Evan in a beautiful and truthful way…♥️ Tender hugs…
Sweet Girl, I am so sorry to hear about Evan. I hope that you can feel the hugs sent to you from all over the world. Your post honors him in a beautiful, poignant way.
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing dear sister.
May his memory always be for a blessing!
We are so sorry for your family’s loss. Evan gave more than he received. He will be misses.
Adam & Meg
Oh Krista, I am so heartbroken for you and my heart grieves with you. There are no words to ease the pain of your loss, but I am certain that Evan loves this post and he will always be with you. Sending you love, light and peace my friend. xoxo
So sorry to hear about this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Oh friend, this was so beautiful and raw and poignant. I wish you light as you grieve and love as you remember, both the light and the shadows.
How blessed your Evan has been to have such a lovely sister as you. Your inner and outer beauty shine through your every word and through each glorious picture you share with us. I’m so glad Evan had the opportunity to speak tremendously important words to you; his Girl; in his last conversation with you. One could wonder if he had a bit of foreknowledge that he might be leaving this earthly kingdom soon. My heart, hugs and prayers go out to you and Evan’s other loved ones at this heartbreaking time. I’m glad you and your Bear will be honoring Evan in the way that you are. (((()))) Much love your way…
Krista, “Girl”……(I feel sure) he’d be so proud of the way you’ve responded to this great sadness.
I love you and I love your family, therefore. I feel the pain. Praying is the best gift of comfort I can offer you.
May all your grief be poured into that beautiful, strong Viking long boat. ♥️
Love you, dear Krista.
So sorry to hear about your loss, Krista. The Viking longboat will honour him and make a strong memory for you.
I don`t know you personally, but I came across your blog and I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
It is almost like a sign that I found this post for some reason today.
Today I wrote for the first time publicly about the attempt from my mom and that I will never forget that.
This blog post and the one from May are beautiful and I thank you for writing those.
~Anna