Since February, we’ve been dealing with a man who is stalking me. We put up No Trespassing signs, installed guard dogs, filed reports with the police, and issued warnings, but nothing has stopped him.

Last week I walked out of our kitchen and there he was, on our doorstep.

Thankfully Bear was home and we did exactly what the police told us to do: I stayed in the house on the phone with the cops, while Bear kept him talking long enough for the police to get here.

We’ve added locks to our gates, another guard dog just for me, and the police have promised to get here immediately should he show up again. I’ve been taking self-defense lessons and I practice scenarios with Bear on What To Do If This Happens Again.

Mostly I’ve been working through fear.

Since I arrived in Australia, our farm has been my safe haven, my oasis, my place of peace and security. He shattered that. And for a while, I couldn’t rest. My body returned to the fight or flight state it had been in for so many years, and only recently healed from. Nightmares came back, and I wasn’t sleeping well, always listening for him so I could protect myself and be safe.

I also wrestled with shame, because Truly Strong Women aren’t supposed to be afraid. They’re supposed to be so strong in themselves that no outside force can disturb their peace.

I’m not sure where this idea comes from, this notion that true strength is not being affected by events and behavior around us, this ludicrous idea that some emotions and reactions are bad and others are good. When emotions are put into Positive and Negative camps, they add twisted things to the mix: an odd sense of security when you’re feeling the positive, and shame when you’re feeling the negative.

Over the weekend I decided I’d had quite enough of shame, so I decided to simply let myself be afraid without judgment or condemnation or attempts to suppress or change.

And I observed something very interesting.

Fear with shame is crippling, isolating, debilitating. It made me want to hide away from the world, stay home with doors locked and window shades pulled, keep myself closed off from anything that could hurt or endanger me.

Fear without shame is clarifying, grounding, empowering. It helped me be real and honest with myself and Bear and the police. “I’m scared and he is scaring me, so what do I do?”

It was so comforting to give myself permission to be scared. It took away the fear of the fear, and allowed me to focus on a plan instead.

I’ve been practicing Causing A Scene with Bear, because that doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m getting quite good at hollering loudly, and giving Bear much amusement in the process.

I talked it all through with the police and I know exactly what to do within the bounds of Australian law, which is quite different from what I grew up with.

And I keep on living beautifully, hand in hand with fear. I was afraid and made rose petal jam. I was afraid and made medieval wool tassels and braided cord. I was afraid and baked Earl Grey cheesecakes and a big pot of Smoked Ham and Potato Soup.

Letting fear hang out with me as long as it needs to has been an amazing thing. I’m still afraid of him. He’s a bastard and a bad man and he does scary things, but I’m not crippled by the fear. I can be afraid of him and still live a beautiful life. I can be afraid to go to town, and still go to town and have a great time. I can be afraid of being alone on the farm, and still be alone on the farm and have a great day. I can be afraid of travelling by myself, and still travel by myself and have a great trip.

Last night I had my first good sleep. No nightmares. No anxiety. No laying awake in the dark thinking of worst case scenarios. I just slept. I’ve had some alone hours on the farm, and they’ve been lovely. Feeding the animals, sighing happily over baby chicks and a newborn lamb, watering the new seedlings that popped up, cuddling my awesome guard pup, Fezzik, who is already protecting me beautifully. And I’ve planned a solitary road trip for myself for later this week. I’m going to the mountains and the ocean and will have a picnic on the beach with a good friend.

The bad man may scare me, but he doesn’t get to steal my life, and that is a wonderful thing. xo