by Krista | Mar 11, 2010 | Plucky Thursday
I don’t like waking myself up screaming.
I don’t like awakening with a start, shaking, gasping before realizing with relief that my family is not dead, I am not being tortured by Nazi’s, I am not trapped in a tall building with bad guys hunting me down.
I do like that the more my life is filled with real love, real happiness, real peace, those nightmares are fewer and farther between.
As a girl I found myself in a religious cult, far from nurturing family and friends, trapped in a 10-story former hotel in Indianapolis where I would be worked 17-20 hours a day with no pay, no holidays and no breaks save for a few hours early Saturday morning when I was allowed outside in the parking lot to play volleyball in a long skirt with tennis shoes. It was the highlight of my week. 🙂
During the day I would have my “ministry smile” firmly affixed to my face, so afraid to appear anything other than radiantly happy lest I be accused of a rebellious spirit and sent to solitary confinement in a room void of furniture where I would be isolated on bread and water until my “heart changed.”
I smiled when they said I was worth nothing and only good as a servant. I smiled when they would take away our food on Sundays and lock the kitchen so we could “free our minds from distraction and focus on God.” I smiled when they tried to break me by demoting me to scrubbing toilets and folding laundry for ten or more hours a day.
But at night, safe behind the locked door of my room I would cry, wondering what was wrong with me that made me so unlovable to the people who ran that place.Why did they look for opportunities to publicly humiliate me, discipline me harshly, isolate me from all who loved me and saw value in me? It got so bad that even a few in leadership positions would wait for a rare moment when I was alone, whisper how sorry they were, explain with tears that there was nothing they could do, then hustle off before anyone saw them. They’ll never know how much those secret messages meant to me.
Looking back now I should’ve called my parents at the first sign of abuse and asked them to get me out of there. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Two things the leadership drilled into me: 1 – if I truly loved God I would want to encourage my parent’s hearts by only giving them good news. 2 – if I tried to get out of a painful situation, God would only put me in a worse one so I could learn the lessons He had for me. They’re both lies, of course, I see that now, but back then, they were an effective tool to keep me terrified and silent. My situation was bad enough, the thought of something worse awaiting me if I tried to leave was beyond reckoning. So I stayed. Said nothing.
Somewhere in those years I found comfort in reading about the Holocaust. I devoured every story I could get my hands on (biographies were allowed in that place, novels were verboten), finding solace in the stories of people who had been through so much worse than me. It made me brave, strong, able to face my persecutors each day. I’ve carried those books with me ever since, just seeing them on shelves was a reminder that I could do it, I could make it, I could overcome anything those wretched people did to me and my friends.
But when I was packing up to move last month, I had the strangest feeling wash over me as I looked at those books. I smiled as I realized, I don’t need them any more.
I am free from that place.
I am at peace.
I am dearly loved.
I am stronger every day both in spirit and in the body they broke down.
I am happy, so happy, with the dearest friends and family a girl could ever hope for.
So I packed them up to give away. Perhaps they’ll provide strange comfort for someone else.
I still have a nightmare now and then. Usually when I’m working through some particularly painful memory from those years. But now I have people I can call, who remind me that I’m no longer trapped, no longer abused, no longer stuck in a place void of love, hope and peace.
I am free.
by Krista | Mar 10, 2010 | Spring
I’m cozied up at home enjoying a free evening to read, get caught up on “24” episodes, sip tea and recover from a killer flu that hit last night. Yeesh. I’m getting knocked flat with stuff this winter! Thankfully it was of the 24-hour variety and I’m feeling heaps better. 🙂 I celebrated with dark hot chocolate and some great new podcasts from Itunes. In my quest to save money and pay off bills, I’m always interested in finding free things to do that are entertaining and informative. It’s amazing the free podcasts that are available: old time radio, Writer’s Almanac, This American Life, all sorts of ones on travel, history, music and literature. I’ve having a grand time! 🙂
This weekend I had a sudden and irresistible urge for that lovely Greek spinach pie: spanakopita. So, after a deliciously relaxing Sunday afternoon, I headed to the kitchen. I popped in a dramatized audio version of “The Horse and His Boy” and set to sauteing spinach with savory onions, mixing them in with tart feta cheese, nutmeg and lemon juice, and enclosing it all with buttered phyllo dough into tidy little packets of goodness.
I love the sunlight filtering through the crispy layers of phyllo. 🙂
I only par-baked them, freezing most of them for a rainy day. When I’m ready, all I have to do is thaw, bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes or so, and they’re good to go! I do so love easy, yummy food. 🙂
As I recover, I’m looking for good ways to detox and restore my system. Do you have any ideas? Please share them if you do! 🙂 Thanks so much. 🙂
Spanakopita
(From David Lebovitz)
Ingredients:
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium onion, peeled and minced
12 ounces (325g) fresh spinach, well-washed and towel dried
salt and freshly-ground pepper
8-10 ounces (230-250g) feta cheese
2 tablespoons finely-chopped flat leaf parsley
pinch of freshly-grated nutmeg
1 large egg, at room temperature
lemon juice
16 sheets filo dough (about 12 ounces, 350g), thawed, if frozen
Melted butter (2-3 ounces, 60-90g)
Directions:
- Heat oil in a large saucepan or skillet. Add the onions and cook, stirring frequently, until transluscent.
- Add the spinach and a bit of salt and pepper, cover, and cook until the spinach is completely wilted, stirring once or twice to hasten the process.
- Scrape the spinach into a colander and let cool completely. Once cool, firmly squeeze out the excess liquid then chop the spinach with a chef’s knife into smallish pieces.
- Mix the spinach in a small bowl with the feta and parsley until chunky. Taste, and add nutmeg and a squirt of lemon juice, plus more salt and pepper if desired. Stir in the egg.
- Unwrap and unroll the filo and keep it covered at all times with a damp tea towel.
- Working quickly lay one sheet of filo on the counter and brush it lightly, but thoroughly, with butter. Lay another sheet on top of it and brush it with butter as well.
- Set a scant 1/4 cup (50g) of the filling in the center, about 1-inch (3cm) from the edge of the sheets of filo, then roll the two edges of the dough over, lengthwise, to encase the filling. You should have a long rectangle with filling underneath the top far end.
- Brush the exposed surface of the filo with butter and fold one corner diagonally over the filling, then continue folding keeping the triangle shape (as you’d fold a flag) and brushing the exposed surfaces of the filo with butter, until you have a neat triangle. Brush the top with butter and set on a baking sheet in the freezer.
- Continue making more spanakopitas with the remaining filling. Once all the spanakopitas are frozen, store them in a freezer bag until ready to bake. If well-wrapped, they’ll keep for a couple of months.
- To bake the frozen spanakopita, preheat the oven to 350F (180C) and put the frozen triangles on a baking sheet, then brush each with butter. Bake for 30 minutes, or until deeply-golden brown. If you’re baking them without freezing them first, they’ll take less time to bake, so check them before the recommended baking time.
by Krista | Mar 9, 2010 | Autumn
Our alarm clocks went off far too early the morning my friend Amy and I were to depart Paris for Amsterdam last October. But up we got, dressed warmly and happily found a taxi just steps outside my brother Ryan’s apartment.
Off we went through the darkened streets to the train station, Gare du Nord, unloaded our bags, and found a spot by a bright pink heater that gave us huddled travelers a distinctive fuschia hue. We were an hour early, but we didn’t mind. Better safe than sorry. Besides, it gave us ample time for people watching, fashion observing and getting the lay of the land. We were intrigued by the number of people wearing Hammer Pants, those voluminous, mid-shin atrocities in bright colors, as well as the military posted around the building, AK-47’s at the ready as they strode through the station, eyes roving the crowd for miscreants.
Our train was delayed several times, but finally it was ready. We joined the milling passengers on the platform as frosty winds tossed skirts and hair. We found our First Class cabin and I couldn’t help but grin to myself in a pinch-me-I-must-be-dreaming sort of way. For as long as I can remember, back when I first became enamored with the idea of train travel through black and white movies and Agatha Christie books, I have longed to travel First Class on a train. I know it’s a silly thing nowadays when such things are easily accessible to all travelers, but for me it was special. We had plush, comfy seats with oodles of legroom and places for all our luggage to fit comfortably. Free Wi-Fi enabled us to upload pictures and Facebook Notes while we hurtled along through the French, Belgian and Dutch countryside. A young African man in an immaculate gray uniform with red trim served us breakfast – lovely creamy cheeses, peppered ham, croissant, fresh ruby red grapefruit and figs with coffee for me, an assortment of sweet cakes with tea for Amy. Deeelicious!
He followed shortly with another basket of croissants for the truly famished. An hour or so later a different man brought us lunch – pasta parcels with white wine from South Africa for me, a cheese sandwich and red wine for Amy. It was such a peaceful, happy way to travel. No stress, no worries, no screaming children or rowdy teenagers or drunk Germans.
We arrived in Amsterdam to brilliant sunshine and oh-so-blustery winds, and made our way to Ryan’s wonderful apartment on the Prinsengracht Straat.
We got ourselves situated then headed out for some afternoon exploring, wending our way along bumpy, cobbled streets over canals and down twisting side streets. Since Amsterdam was not on our initial itinerary we had no maps or guidebooks to chart our path, but we managed to find a Tourist Information booth and Amy secured a map and vague directions to the Rijksmuseum. Sunshine shone coldly down through the still-leafy trees, lending an illusion of warmth but much beauty. The museum was smaller than we’d imagined, but well worth the price of admission. I’ve long been a fan of the Dutch masters, loving their ability to capture exquisite details of feature, attire and expression. I am not so entranced by baubles and knickknacks, but the paintings were fantastic.
After the museum we emerged to the rare combination of being rained on with the sun shining, but we braved the weather and happily wandered charming alleys, squares and streets.
If I can’t have a Hobbit House of my own one day, I want this door, please. 🙂
We stopped in at a bakery and loaded up on amazing bread and pastries. I’m so glad they’re starting to get bread like this around here! 🙂
Content with our initial explorations, we headed back to Ry’s place for a relaxing evening of pjs, popcorn, pastries and old movies like Laura. It was a splendid first day in Amsterdam. 🙂
by Krista | Mar 9, 2010 | Bootstrap Monday
It’s been a dizzying yet wonderful weekend and I am smiling but oh so ready for a nap. 🙂
Thanks to the hustle of my lovely rellies – parents, aunt and uncle – I am officially out of the old apartment and into the new. 🙂 It felt so good to close the door for the last time, content with happy memories and hope for healing and renewal.
Saturday dawned brilliantly sunny and gorgeous, and my aunt and uncle treated us all to breakfast at The Rusty Wagon. 🙂 Doesn’t that just sound like the perfect place for scrambled eggs, sizzling bacon and pancakes drenched in syrup? 🙂
Thus fortified we drove into town to track down the necessities I needed for my new place. Things like a broom, potato peeler, toilet paper and pepper. We had such fun scouring our favorite best deal places and finding nearly everything on the list. Hooray! 🙂
By early afternoon we were ravenous, so I treated my fabulous helpers to coffee and goodies at the local Dutch bakery. There’s something so splendid about sitting down in a bustling bakery, drinking coffee out of sturdy chipped mugs, visiting amiably whilst nibbling on Nanaimo Bars, Latte Mocha Bars and chewy Mocha-filled Florentines dipped in dark chocolate.
I arrived home in time to bask in the setting sun streaming through the trees in my back yard. I still can’t believe I get to live here. 🙂 I feel like I’m on vacation in a cabin somewhere. I can’t stop looking out my windows at the gigantic cedars and tangled blackberry vines, across the creek to the trees covered in moss and bright green buds. When I open my windows I hear the sighing of the wind in the branches and the cheerful gurgle of the creek. There are some darling black squirrels that frolic about, their feathery charcoal tails twitching nervously as they nibble on various treasures. I love it here. 🙂
After all my rellies departed, I got down to business, hauling boxes, sorting, arranging, organizing, until I collapsed into bed sometime after 11 p.m. As usual, I overdid it, and Sunday morning I was hobbling about like an old woman. 🙂 I decided then and there that I was taking a holiday, so I did. 🙂
It was a glorious Sunday, stormy, rainy, blustery and cold, perfect for resting achy bodies and disappearing into good books and movies. As the storm raged I read “Mossflower” by Brian Jacques and “A Sunburned Country” by Bill Bryson, sipped Vanilla Caramel tea and nibbled Thin Mints, frozen York mint patties and a German Chocolate cookie. 🙂 It was wonderful. 🙂
I also found the cookbook I was looking for, so I can finally share a picture AND the recipe for the Chickpea Stew with Kale, Tomatoes and Green Chilies I mentioned on Friday. 🙂
It was a good weekend. 🙂
Chickpea Stew with Kale, Tomatoes and Green Chilies
Ingredients:
1 large bunch kale, stems removed, leaves chopped
3 cups cooked chickpeas or 2 15 oz cans, rinsed
6 garlic cloves, coarsely chopped
Salt
2 tsp sweet paprika
1 tsp whole black peppercorns
1.5 tsp ground cumin
1/2 tsp turmeric
3 Tbsp olive oil
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
2 Tbsp chopped parsley
1 yellow onion, chopped
1 can roasted, mild green chilies, chopped
1/4 tsp dried thyme
1 small dried red chili
4 tomatoes, peeled, seeded and diced or 1-2 cans diced tomatoes
1 Preserved lemon, skin only, diced into 1/4 inch pieces (I didn’t have this, so I didn’t use it)
Directions:
- Boil or steam greens until wilted, then chop coarsely and set aside.
- Cover chickpeas with cold water and gently rub between hands to loosen skins. Tip bowl so skins flow off. Drain.
- Pound garlic in a mortar with 1/2 tsp salt until smooth, or mince with knife. Add dried spices, 1 tsp oil and 2 Tbsp each of cilantro and parsley. Pound until rough paste is formed. (I threw the whole lot in food processor and blended until smooth.)
- Heat remaining oil in large skillet over medium-high heat. Add onion, chilies, thyme and dried chili. Cook for 7 minutes then stir in garlic paste, chickpeas and 1/2 cup water or broth.
- When onion is soft, add tomatoes, greens, 1/2 tsp salt and another 1/2 cup broth. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 5 minutes. Stir in cilantro and lemon and serve.
by Krista | Mar 5, 2010 | Fabulous Friday
In the midst of some rather frantic packing this past week, I had some beloved rellies come to town for a visit. They were a welcome respite from all the hustle and bustle and after a fabulous roast chicken dinner by Mums, we donned jackets and scarves and headed out into the glorious sunshine for a trek over the hills. I thought you might like to join us. 🙂
In anticipation of much packing, cleaning, sorting and very little cooking, I made large batches of things such as
Cauliflower Gratin with Tomatoes and Feta, and Chickpea Stew with Kale, Tomatoes and Green Chilies to see me through the week. They were unfamiliar dishes with odd but intriguing ingredients, so I figured they’d keep from getting foodily bored whilst I moved. They were just the ticket! Tasty, interesting and healthy as all get out. 🙂
Alas, I can’t give you the recipe at this time, only the location, because in spite of diligent searching of boxes, I can’t for the life of me find the cookbook. 🙂 Grrr. I will try to have it for you next week. 🙂
I wish you a lovely weekend. 🙂
Chickpea Stew with Kale, Tomatoes and Green Chilies
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