by Krista | Apr 26, 2017 | Autumn
I never cease to be amazed at how much good a little rest does to my body, mind, and spirit.
This week I was tired to my bones. Nightmares returned a few weeks ago, the worst nightmares I’ve had yet, filling me with fear and anxiety before my head even hit the pillow. Instead of waking up rested, I woke screaming and crying with Robbie shaking me telling me I’m safe, he’s here, the dreams aren’t real. The rapes, the torture, the beatings of my nightmares weren’t real.
I’ve learned that when nightmares return, it’s my body’s way of telling me, “OK, luv, it’s time to heal more. It’s time to go deeper.”
I dread it every time, but I’ve learned that the only way out is through, and on the other side is light.
In the past I’ve tried all sorts of things to make the nightmares stop. Nothing works. They stay until they’re ready to leave.
Instead I’ve learned to prepare myself to handle them better.
This time I’ve sat quietly with myself before bed and ask if there’s any unresolved issue that needs to be addressed, memories I’ve blocked out that need to be looked at, feelings I’ve been stuffing down that need to be aired and validated. There’s always something, sometimes big, sometimes small. And when I take the time to sit with that issue – no judgment, no shaming, no suppressing – just sitting and looking and being with that issue, the pressure is released, like letting air out of a too-full tire.
I don’t stay in that place long, just long enough for the pressure to ease, for the truth to be spoken, for my feelings and thoughts to be heard, seen, and validated.
Then I look at books of beautiful gardens or artwork or illustrations, things that calm and soothe, comfort and inspire, and remind me of the good things I treasure.
And before I go to sleep, I remind myself that no matter what I dream about, the truth is I am safe, I am loved, and light will come in the morning. The light will always, always return.
The nightmares left two nights ago, and this time their departure was amicable rather than abrupt. In a strange way it feels like we’re partners now, not enemies. They’re messengers and guides who help me face things I wouldn’t otherwise face. In their own way, albeit brutal, they help me heal and reveal my strength. With their darkness, they reveal the tremendous light in my life, and help me treasure the people and experiences that make my life so precious and rich.
This morning, as I wait for the sun to come up and listen to Bear pottering in the kitchen making cuppas, I feel thankful that this time the nightmares didn’t cripple me. They’re awful, yes, but they don’t last. They don’t stay forever. And in their wake they leave deeper healing, greater strength, and much more courage.
xo
by Krista | Apr 20, 2017 | Autumn
The wind is howling today, sending leaves and feathers skittering across the farmyard, creating a dance of shadows on the grass as tree branches bend and swoop.
The animals are hunkered down out of the wind, finding calm, sunny spots to snooze the afternoon away.
I’m staying warm under a blanket on the veranda, writing my weekly newspaper column and updating an article on smoking techniques in between dashes to the oven to replace trays of tomatoes and garlic I’m roasting. I marinated a brisket in garlic balsamic vinegar, Worcestershire sauce, olive oil, salt and pepper, and a bit of liquid hickory smoke, and as soon as the tomatoes finished, popped it in the oven to slow roast it for dinner. The house is smelling wonderful.
I’ve been working in my gardens, taking cuttings of my favorite herbs – pineapple sage, spearmint, lemon balm – and putting them in water in tiny glasses all along a sun-drenched windowsill in the kitchen. Most of them have little roots already, and that thrills me to pieces. Soon I’ll transplant them and tuck them into my greenhouse for the winter to grow and strengthen until spring.
Other herbs have made their own starts – tarragon, common mint, and yarrow – and I’ve been dividing them and planting them in new spots so they can grow nice and big.
Yesterday we picked up a few I don’t have yet – German chamomile and lime verbena – and an extra elderflower because, in my opinion, you can never have too much elderflower. Next week I will tuck the first two in my greenhouse and plant the elderflower in my new garden bed where it can spread out into a beautiful hedge that will keep us supplied with flowers and elderberries for many years to come.
Campfires have been our comfort and delight this week. Especially after a big day of medieval projects.
Bear and I have been making, staining, and painting tent poles for our new medieval market stalls. For the past five years we’ve made due with what we had, but every year, without fail, I got sunburn and heatstroke. This year Bear made Sue and I our own shelters in the style of medieval Muslim market stalls we found in an old manuscript. They’re beautifully shady and cool with plenty of room for us to display our wares, do our demonstrations, and talk with people interested in learning about medieval folk medicine, medieval desert tribal food, linen-making, coffee-making, and cheese-making. We’re so excited to get them set up and decorated with the vivid colors favored in the 12th and 13th centuries.
After painting four coats on 28, 8-sided tent poles, dinner by the fire sounds like pure bliss.
Sometimes we just sit and stare quietly into the fire, getting lost in the play of light and heat. Others we visit amiably whilst eating cheeseburgers on homemade buns and watching the sun sink down through the trees.
And one night, when Bear had some writing work to do inside, I had the fire all to myself. I poured a glass of homemade cherry brandy, pulled my chair up close to the warmth of the flames, and let all the stresses of the day melt away.
Our first medieval event of the season is nearly upon us, and we’re so excited. This weekend our Blackwolf friends arrive to pack our trailer with tents and poles, pegs and ropes, rugs and tables, beds and shelves, pots and boxes, chairs and bedding. And plenty of firewood for as many cozy moments around the fire as we can muster. xo
by Krista | Apr 16, 2017 | Autumn
Sometimes life is painful and stressful. You try your best to fix it and make it work and things just seem to muddle up into a worse tangle.
And sometimes, in the midst of it, friends invite you to come over. And as much as you like them, you know you’re a weepy mess and would rather hide away until you’re presentable again, but in the end, you buck up and be brave and be real and you go and see them anyway and let them see you in all your weepy messyness and somehow it’s OK. And you cry and laugh and talk together, and discover that they have tangled messes too, and even though the tangles are different, you connect over the emotions they provoke: anxiety, fear, stress, loss, and the desire to hide. And you hug and laugh and cry a bit more and feel less alone, less weird, and so glad you were brave and didn’t let fear of being vulnerable keep you from being vulnerable.
That was our Easter. One of the very best Easters of my entire life.
We spent it with Canadian Viking friends who ended up being Canadian Viking Kindred Spirits who loved us and accepted us and made us feel wanted and worth loving.
They made roast turkey and cabbage rolls and perogies – the comfort food of my Canadian childhood that made me feel right at home.
They showed us all the amazing things they’re building and trying and experimenting with, and that made us feel inspired and excited.
And they taught us how to make Ukrainian Easter Eggs, something I’ve wanted to learn since I was a little girl seeing those magical eggs on Sesame Street.
It was so much fun. How we laughed as our attempts at intricate designs were mussed up with great blobs of wax and smeared dyes and accidental crackings. And how we grinned at how beautiful they all looked in spite of our lack of skill and dexterity.
This morning I looked at those eggs again and was comforted and given hope. I often feel like one of them, cracked and blobbed and smeared. I make an awful lot of mistakes, and this week I messed up in a big way. After faithfully getting every bill paid in full and on time for 18 months, I missed one, which resulted in a huge fine on top of a now massive bill at a time when I simply can’t pay it. I felt like vomiting from the stress of it, feeling stupid and frustrated and a failure, those extra emotional burdens we tend to pile on our already battered hearts in these moments. So I cried and felt very small and foolish and gave in to big ol’ waves of fear and anxiety. Then I stopped and took a (few) deep breath(s) and got to work, looking for more work so I can pay off this wretched thing, even if it’s on the world’s smallest payment plan. And I spoke truth to myself. Yes, I made a mistake, and it was an enormous one, but it doesn’t mean I’M a mistake. I’m still worthy of love and respect. I’ll deal with the consequences, I’ll learn from this, and I’ll press on with hope and kindness.
Whatever tangle this day finds you in, know you are loved, always, and no matter how much you mess up, you always get to start again and figure a way out and make it better. xo
by Krista | Apr 14, 2017 | Autumn
It’s cloudy and quiet this Friday morning, and things feel peaceful after much hustle and bustle the past few days.
We had toast and eggs for breaky, fleshed out our Master Packing List for medieval events, fed the pigs, let out the goats, and now we’re sitting and writing as we sip our hot drinks, chocolate for me, coffee for him.
I can hear the goats snuffling outside as they tuck into the grass we’ve let grow unhindered for several weeks. The dogs are sleeping after a rowdy night barking at whatever the neighbours dogs were barking at, and the geese, turkeys, and chooks are foraging in the undergrowth for bugs and worms.
Prepping for medieval events is always a bit madcap. Bear and I store 95% of the gear at our place, and weeks are spent hauling everything out for airing and organization before starting on mending and waterproofing tents, fixing damaged tent poles and wonky tent pegs, redoing frayed ropes, washing linens, sorting through all the kitchen equipment to make sure we have enough dishes, cutlery, cooking, and cleaning supplies, chopping and stacking firewood, prepping food, and making sure all our personal gear, armour, and demonstrations are in order.
It’s a lot of work, like setting up an entirely new household for 9 people, but honestly, we love it. Yes, we get tired, and in the beginning it’s all rather overwhelming, but when the lists are written, the plans made, and everyone has their own projects to tackle, it’s quite exciting.
This week Bear made new tent poles while I sewed a 10 metre by 8 metre floor for our Bedouin tent and mended the front doorway. Together we’re making new chairs, painting and staining, sewing, polishing, sharpening, and fixing.
The weather has been perfect for such work, sunny with cool breezes, and we’re so thankful for the gardens that keep us supplied with beans, asparagus, eggplants, chilies, and herbs so we can easily throw together meals in between projects.
Today we’re organizing all our gear according to the three tents we bring: a Bedouin tent for sleeping quarters, a tall Bedouin tent where we gather for meals and do all our cooking prep, and a Marquee where Bear and I have our sleeping quarters and display of 12th century bedding and Bear’s Ducal accoutrements.
If you arrived at our farm today, you’d find the ground covered with stacks of tent poles, piles of ropes, mounds of pegs, tottering piles of fabric, rugs, and tentage, wooden boxes galore, and more tables and chairs than you can imagine. It’s a wild medieval hodgepodge, but I love seeing it all together as I tick things off my list and feel more prepared and organized with each tick.
Soon we’ll start putting things on the trailer, getting a head start on packing, but first some quiet time with my hot chocolate, then a meander through my gardens to harvest a few things to go with the beef I put in the crockpot for dinner.
Wishing you all a fabulous Easter weekend. xo
by Krista | Apr 12, 2017 | Autumn
I’ve been loving these exquisitely beautiful Autumn days. Chilly and shimmering in the early mornings…
…luxuriously warm and golden during the day.
I’ve spent as much time outside as possible, turning old animal pens into new garden plots by digging out huge rocks and weeds clinging for dear life to the sun-baked soil. It is hard but satisfying work, and I love seeing the dream projects in my head come to fruition inch by back-breaking inch.
At the moment the pens are mere blank swathes of earth with skeletal borders made from the rocks I’ve dug out. But in my minds eye I see those bordered gardens filled with fragrant spearmint, pineapple sage, rosellas, chamomile, echinacea, and innumerable other herbs, criss-crossed with pathways piled deep with sunny yellow straw to keep the weeds down and the mud off my boots.
When I take breaks from digging, I harvest, and figure out ways to use the abundance of eggplants and chilies that seem to multiply every day. This week I spent a gorgeous morning by the fire roasting eggplants and poblano chilies, and smoking speck, aged cheddar, and chipotle chilies.
I love it out there, deliciously warm sunshine, cool breezes, smoke billowing up all around me.
I always feel peaceful next to a campfire. My thoughts slow down and the hazy parts of life become clear.
I like watching the vegetables change color as the flames do their work, making Plain Jane vegetables utterly delicious.
I sat out there for a long time, continuously adding damp wood chips to the hot coals to create more smoke, watching the speck become burnished, the cheese a glossy amber.
When the speck was ready I cut off slices and toasted them over the remains of the fire until they were beautifully crispy, and Bear and I ate them for lunch.
I added the poblanos to a ham and cheese quiche for a smoky, spicy kick, and used the smoked, aged cheddar in savory crepes with ham.
I never cease to be amazed at how delectably transforming a bit of smoke is.
In a kitchen awash with Autumn sunshine, I peeled all the blackened eggplants, then mashed them with garlic, lemon, fresh mind and parsley from my garden, and a good drizzle of Caramelized Garlic Balsamic Vinegar. We had some that way, then Bear, a huge fan of curry, suggested adding curry powder to give it a bit more depth. It is delicious too. Just the thing for dipping with crackers and veggies, or spooned on cold roasted meats.
Today I took time off, and Bear and I spent a lovely day visiting with dear friends, talking for hours over a table laden with scrumptious dips and veggies, sausage rolls, curried egg sandwiches, and the most stunning Black Forest Cake piled high with cream, custard, and cherries. It did us both much good, and we returned home in that lovely glow that always accompanies time spent with great people.
Tomorrow I’ll get back to my gardens, but tonight it’s time to relax. xo
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