by Krista | Jun 15, 2015 | Winter
“Nothing endures but change.”
Heraclitus
I am a fearful person by nature. As a little girl I always wanted everything to stay the same: my room, the menu for Christmas, my friends and family. Change, for some reason, terrified me, but sameness felt safe.
Then, of course, life happened and I grew up and I realized that everything changes. And everyone. Including my dear ol’ self.
I also realized that fear was the thing that made change so scary. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to handle what came my way. Fear that I wouldn’t like the change, whatever it might be. Fear that the future would never be quite as good as the present.
Nowadays I try to see fear as my friend in adventure, someone I clasp hands with as we shout in unison, “Once more, unto the breach!”
I’m still frightened inside, but I’ve got heaps of courage in there too. And pluck. And a jolly good imagination that helps me visualize what I will do to make things better IF they really do go pear shaped.
This weekend my friend Sue asked me if I’d be open to being interviewed by the newspaper about our life on the farm. My first thought was to immediately dive under the covers and not emerge until such a scary notion had passed.
All the “I’m not good enough to do that” fears shot to the surface: “I’m not skinny enough to have my picture taken for all and sundry to see”, “Our farm’s not perfect enough to be showcased”, “I can’t let a stranger here to see all the things we haven’t done yet!”
Sigh. Honestly, those fear voices are a real nuisance.
So I shushed them. And calmly spoke truth.
“It’s OK if I’m chubby right now. I’m working hard to heal my body and get into good shape, and it’s a good thing to let people see me as I AM not who/what I wish I was. Besides, maybe a chubby farm girl with a big smile on her face will cheer someone up who’s also struggling with weight and poor health and trying to smile anyway.”
“It’s OK if our farm’s not perfect. It’s a lovely place jam-packed with possibilities and inspiring projects and it is a haven for us and our loves. And maybe someone who’s also mid-dream with stacks here and piles there will see our farm and feel encouraged to press on.”
“It’s OK if we haven’t finished everything yet. We’re allowed to have partially built smokers and half-painted beehives and chairs, tables, and beds waiting to be mended and refinished. How boring life would be if we were actually done everything and had to sit here with no projects to inspire us, no jobs to keep our hands busy and to discuss over lunch. Nope, these unfinished projects are reminders of how lucky we are to get to pursue a whole passel of dreams.”
So I said yes.
And I’m so glad I did. Jayden (reporter from the Warwick Daily News) is an absolute gem, a ray of sunshine on our farm. He loved everything, even the wonky, unfinished, just-pretend-that’s-not-there stuff, bless him. And it did my heart no end of good to share our dreams with him, to explain how healing it’s been for me to live on this farm and learn so many things, to show him our goats and gardens and ducks.
It reminded me of what we’re working towards and how much it means to us. It renewed my vision, our vision, and made all the aching muscles, bruises, cuts, and scratches absolutely worth it.
I’m so glad I’m learning to hold hands with fear, to say yes to frightening things, to do it scared. My world is so much bigger and better because of it.
What do you do when fear rears its head in your life? xo
by Krista | Jun 12, 2015 | Winter
My whole world seems rather higgledy-piggledy at the moment, but that’s not such a bad thing.
Our crazy weather has my plants thinking it’s Spring or Summer instead of the dead of Winter. Rather than living off of hardy greens and root veggies, I’m picking blueberries, collecting tomatoes, and looking in astonishment at fruit trees sending out blossoms.
My dear ol’ body decided to go wonky too, keeping me in bed much of this week. Thank goodness for a big pot of ham bean soup and stacks of movies from the library to make things easier. Even the worst sick days are made immeasurably better with marathons of “Grimm” and “Rosemary and Thyme.”
In the midst of the weird and hard stuff, there have been good, good things: a wonderful weekend away with our medieval friends that I can’t wait to tell you about, our first attempt at apple wine brewing beautifully, and our orphaned twin goats now fully weaned and healthy as can be.
To top it all off, my actor/singer friend, Kristopher, now a producer in New York City, sent me tickets for a concert by the oh-so-fabulous Mary Wilson, original member of “The Supremes.” I was thrilled!! So Bear and I rugged up against the cold and spent an incredible evening listening to this awe-inspiring 71-year-old belt out powerful ballads, standards, and favorites as if she were 40 years younger. She was cheeky, hilarious, down-to-earth, and made us shake with laughter, wipe away tears, and go home feeling that this truly is a wonderful world.
I’m so thankful that life rarely leaves us saddled with only bad and hard things. There’s always something good and beautiful along the way to shimmer light into the dark places.
What is one good thing in your life this week? xo
by Krista | Jun 1, 2015 | Winter
It’s been a good, good weekend. A time of restoration and healing and returning to the things I love with a stronger, braver, and happier heart.
Bear brought in my cup of tea this morning and said, “You seem very peaceful this morning, very happy. I think it has everything to do with telling your story. You aren’t afraid anymore.” He’s right. I can’t describe the exquisite freedom I feel in body, mind, and spirit, and I’m cherishing it.
There’s something about speaking your truth that dissolves fear. Keeping it all hidden inside, only letting it eek out in tiny snippets, keeps the soul withered and frightened. It makes giants out of bad guys when in reality, they’re only human beings who have fed the darkness inside them instead of the light. They aren’t too big for us to stand up to, and they aren’t too powerful to fight against. Not forever anyways. They do seem to get away with bad things for as long as they’re able to keep up a facade of trustworthiness. But when the survivors of their cruelty heal and regain strength and speak truth, their power crumbles.
“There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others.
My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.”
Jane Austen
I like this quote so much. It makes me smile and stand a little taller, helps me face scary situations with resolve. It also reminds me to keep feeding the light in my own soul. To read, watch, and listen to things that lead to greater wisdom, deeper understanding, more enduring courage. To spend time with those who exemplify the things I cherish: honesty, kindness, bravery, a comfy-ness in being utterly themselves. To make time for the activities and experiences that make my heart swell and my soul sing.
As I rest in this deeper healing, I’ve returned to simple pleasures, nothing lavish or posh – though those things are jolly fun sometimes. I crave quietness and ease of planning marked by deliciousness. Here are a few of the simple lunches we’ve been having lately.
Ripe pears and aged cheddar cheese. Although such a lunch wouldn’t be sufficient on a cold Winter’s day, it is marvelous on these bizarrely hot days we’ve experienced over the last week. Winter arrived today, but freezing temperatures aren’t supposed to show up until Wednesday. Until then, we’re basking in summery warmth and dining lightly.
Mini-skewers. I don’t like to cook every day. I really don’t. Instead I try to only cook every other day and make enough so we have leftovers the next. Mini-skewers are marvelous things for that. I simply thread good Feta and sun-dried tomatoes on toothpicks, and cheddar, olives, and Farmer’s sausage on others. I put them in containers in the fridge and we can pull them out for a nibble whenever we’re famished.
Roast chicken and fresh veggies. With this gorgeously warm weather, I’m still getting ripe tomatoes and good cucumbers. They make a marvelous lunch with leftover shredded roast chicken.
Now I’m off to town for a sunshiny morning of errands and meetings. I’ve got music to listen to and dried apples to snack on so I’m all set.
What is your favorite simple lunch? How do you feed the light in your soul? XO
by Krista | May 28, 2015 | Autumn
“It was time to take the pumpkin out of the pot and eat it.
In the final analysis, that was what solved these big problems of life.
You could think and think and get nowhere, but you still had to eat your pumpkin.
That brought you down to earth.
That gave you a reason for going on.
Pumpkin.”
Alexander McCall Smith
This quote makes me smile, reminding me that even during life’s great upheavals, the simple things keep us grounded, keep us going. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, sunrise, sunset, over and over they come, dragging us back from the storm to quiet our souls and nourish our bodies.
Thank you so much for the messages and comments of love and support regarding my post about the Duggar abuse story and the ATI Cult. Each one meant a great deal to me. XO
This week one news service after another has exposed more stories of lies, abuse, and cover-ups, giving voice to many who were victimized in that world. It has been incredibly healing. For the past 15 years we’ve been effectively silenced, told we were lying or exaggerating about what happened, that we needed to “get over it”, needed to forgive and confess our bitterness over the abuse we experienced.
No more.
Now places like CNN are telling our stories. They’re doing the investigations, they’re holding the leaders of these organizations accountable, they’re pressing for answers, and it has brought about much healing in our lives. The sort of healing that comes when victims are validated, their stories believed, their experiences acknowledged.
I hope very much that Josh Duggar’s victims, and anyone who has been abused, will also receive validation and find a safe place where they can grieve, heal, and thrive.
I also like the quote at the beginning of this post because our farm world has been all about pumpkins this week.
Good friends completed their pumpkin harvest and invited us to stop by and collect as many of the leftovers as we wanted. Such a gift!!
So Bear and I bundled up against the frigid wind and headed out to their paddock. We trudged through muddy hillocks and tripped over pumpkin vines and hauled two trailer loads of pumpkins back to our farm.
Our goats adore pumpkins, so we made their day as we hurled pumpkins onto the ground, watching them smash against rocks and break apart into brilliant orange pieces perfect for goat-nibbling.
Note: if you’re ever stressed about anything, smashing pumpkins is a marvelous antidote.
By the second load we were so tired and sore we couldn’t be bothered with smashing anything, and simply rolled them off the back of the trailer.
We were able to rescue a few pumpkins that hadn’t been damaged by rains or frosts, and share them with friends. A few more are saved in my greenhouse, ready to be turned into soup, pie, or simply chopped up and roasted for pasta, pizza, or roast chicken.
This week I’m thankful for those who stand against abuse, who stand up for anyone who’s been abused, and kind friends who share food that comforts and sustains.
XO
by Krista | May 25, 2015 | Autumn
I’ve been trying to write a blog post since Thursday, but writing about good and beautiful things became impossible for me after the Duggar sexual abuse story came to light.
As longtime readers will know, I was in the same religious cult as the Duggars from age 15-25. I experienced firsthand the systematic brainwashing, abuse, and cruelty that crushed spirits, obliterated personalities, violated bodies, and left many of us traumatized with deep fear, shame, guilt, and grief.
Thankfully I was able to get away from that and start over. I found a safe home in Australia with people who love and support me unreservedly, an amazing husband, counselor, and dear friends who have helped me emerge from that darkness into a world of courage, freedom, peace, and love.
But when the Duggar story came out, it not only sparked anger and grief over Josh’s abuse of his sisters and others, it set off a series of triggers that brought a flurry of flashbacks to the darkest moments of my life when I was stalked, groped, abused, and betrayed. My body reacted as if those things were happening now instead of years ago, crumpling in fear, insecurity, and shame. Instead of writing about pumpkin harvesting adventures with Bear, I had to pull in close the walls of my world and remind myself that I am safe now, loved now, free now. I had to breathe through anger, frustration, grief, and loss, letting myself feel whatever I needed to feel without judgment or condemnation or shame, until I could find my bearings again.
I was not alone. Many of my fellow survivors were blindsided by these revelations. Not because we were surprised. We weren’t. The twisted teachings and isolationism practiced by this Cult virtually ensure abuse of all kinds have and will take place. So no, we weren’t surprised, but we were gutted. I think we all keep hoping that one day these stories will stop. That the Doug Phillips, Bill Gothards, and Josh Duggars of this world will no longer be able to harm those around them. That the sick teachings they embrace and promote will be exposed for the lies they are, and that anyone conditioned to believe them will be able to break free and find healing, safety, and real love that always protects and never harms.
I’m in a better place tonight. I can face this situation without debilitating grief and anger. I can rest and think about, “What do I do now?”
Love well.
Consistently remind myself and others that we are worth protecting and worth loving. The more we love ourselves and others, the more unloving people stand out and we can protect ourselves from them.
Respect and hold good boundaries.
Honor whatever boundaries the people in my life set, whether I understand them or not. If I truly value them I will do whatever I can to ensure they feel safe. And if I truly value myself, I will make sure that I only spend time with those who respect the boundaries I set for my own wellbeing.
Look for the good ones.
There are always bad people in this world, but there are so many more good ones. I’ve been thanking Bear all weekend for not being a bastard. It makes him laugh, but I really, truly mean it. Tonight I made a list of all the good men I know. Men who don’t rape, beat, abuse, or neglect. Men who proactively love, respect, and protect. My list grew longer and longer and I wanted to dash around the world and give them all big hugs and say thank you.
I can’t fix Josh or heal his victims, none of us can, but we can be love, show love, and link arms with love wherever we find it. And maybe all that love will shine into the dark places and be a beacon to those who need it.
XO
