by Krista | Jun 12, 2015 | Winter
My whole world seems rather higgledy-piggledy at the moment, but that’s not such a bad thing.
Our crazy weather has my plants thinking it’s Spring or Summer instead of the dead of Winter. Rather than living off of hardy greens and root veggies, I’m picking blueberries, collecting tomatoes, and looking in astonishment at fruit trees sending out blossoms.
My dear ol’ body decided to go wonky too, keeping me in bed much of this week. Thank goodness for a big pot of ham bean soup and stacks of movies from the library to make things easier. Even the worst sick days are made immeasurably better with marathons of “Grimm” and “Rosemary and Thyme.”
In the midst of the weird and hard stuff, there have been good, good things: a wonderful weekend away with our medieval friends that I can’t wait to tell you about, our first attempt at apple wine brewing beautifully, and our orphaned twin goats now fully weaned and healthy as can be.
To top it all off, my actor/singer friend, Kristopher, now a producer in New York City, sent me tickets for a concert by the oh-so-fabulous Mary Wilson, original member of “The Supremes.” I was thrilled!! So Bear and I rugged up against the cold and spent an incredible evening listening to this awe-inspiring 71-year-old belt out powerful ballads, standards, and favorites as if she were 40 years younger. She was cheeky, hilarious, down-to-earth, and made us shake with laughter, wipe away tears, and go home feeling that this truly is a wonderful world.
I’m so thankful that life rarely leaves us saddled with only bad and hard things. There’s always something good and beautiful along the way to shimmer light into the dark places.
What is one good thing in your life this week? xo
by Krista | Jun 1, 2015 | Winter
It’s been a good, good weekend. A time of restoration and healing and returning to the things I love with a stronger, braver, and happier heart.
Bear brought in my cup of tea this morning and said, “You seem very peaceful this morning, very happy. I think it has everything to do with telling your story. You aren’t afraid anymore.” He’s right. I can’t describe the exquisite freedom I feel in body, mind, and spirit, and I’m cherishing it.
There’s something about speaking your truth that dissolves fear. Keeping it all hidden inside, only letting it eek out in tiny snippets, keeps the soul withered and frightened. It makes giants out of bad guys when in reality, they’re only human beings who have fed the darkness inside them instead of the light. They aren’t too big for us to stand up to, and they aren’t too powerful to fight against. Not forever anyways. They do seem to get away with bad things for as long as they’re able to keep up a facade of trustworthiness. But when the survivors of their cruelty heal and regain strength and speak truth, their power crumbles.
“There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others.
My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.”
Jane Austen
I like this quote so much. It makes me smile and stand a little taller, helps me face scary situations with resolve. It also reminds me to keep feeding the light in my own soul. To read, watch, and listen to things that lead to greater wisdom, deeper understanding, more enduring courage. To spend time with those who exemplify the things I cherish: honesty, kindness, bravery, a comfy-ness in being utterly themselves. To make time for the activities and experiences that make my heart swell and my soul sing.
As I rest in this deeper healing, I’ve returned to simple pleasures, nothing lavish or posh – though those things are jolly fun sometimes. I crave quietness and ease of planning marked by deliciousness. Here are a few of the simple lunches we’ve been having lately.
Ripe pears and aged cheddar cheese. Although such a lunch wouldn’t be sufficient on a cold Winter’s day, it is marvelous on these bizarrely hot days we’ve experienced over the last week. Winter arrived today, but freezing temperatures aren’t supposed to show up until Wednesday. Until then, we’re basking in summery warmth and dining lightly.
Mini-skewers. I don’t like to cook every day. I really don’t. Instead I try to only cook every other day and make enough so we have leftovers the next. Mini-skewers are marvelous things for that. I simply thread good Feta and sun-dried tomatoes on toothpicks, and cheddar, olives, and Farmer’s sausage on others. I put them in containers in the fridge and we can pull them out for a nibble whenever we’re famished.
Roast chicken and fresh veggies. With this gorgeously warm weather, I’m still getting ripe tomatoes and good cucumbers. They make a marvelous lunch with leftover shredded roast chicken.
Now I’m off to town for a sunshiny morning of errands and meetings. I’ve got music to listen to and dried apples to snack on so I’m all set.
What is your favorite simple lunch? How do you feed the light in your soul? XO
by Krista | May 28, 2015 | Autumn
“It was time to take the pumpkin out of the pot and eat it.
In the final analysis, that was what solved these big problems of life.
You could think and think and get nowhere, but you still had to eat your pumpkin.
That brought you down to earth.
That gave you a reason for going on.
Pumpkin.”
Alexander McCall Smith
This quote makes me smile, reminding me that even during life’s great upheavals, the simple things keep us grounded, keep us going. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, sunrise, sunset, over and over they come, dragging us back from the storm to quiet our souls and nourish our bodies.
Thank you so much for the messages and comments of love and support regarding my post about the Duggar abuse story and the ATI Cult. Each one meant a great deal to me. XO
This week one news service after another has exposed more stories of lies, abuse, and cover-ups, giving voice to many who were victimized in that world. It has been incredibly healing. For the past 15 years we’ve been effectively silenced, told we were lying or exaggerating about what happened, that we needed to “get over it”, needed to forgive and confess our bitterness over the abuse we experienced.
No more.
Now places like CNN are telling our stories. They’re doing the investigations, they’re holding the leaders of these organizations accountable, they’re pressing for answers, and it has brought about much healing in our lives. The sort of healing that comes when victims are validated, their stories believed, their experiences acknowledged.
I hope very much that Josh Duggar’s victims, and anyone who has been abused, will also receive validation and find a safe place where they can grieve, heal, and thrive.
I also like the quote at the beginning of this post because our farm world has been all about pumpkins this week.
Good friends completed their pumpkin harvest and invited us to stop by and collect as many of the leftovers as we wanted. Such a gift!!
So Bear and I bundled up against the frigid wind and headed out to their paddock. We trudged through muddy hillocks and tripped over pumpkin vines and hauled two trailer loads of pumpkins back to our farm.
Our goats adore pumpkins, so we made their day as we hurled pumpkins onto the ground, watching them smash against rocks and break apart into brilliant orange pieces perfect for goat-nibbling.
Note: if you’re ever stressed about anything, smashing pumpkins is a marvelous antidote.
By the second load we were so tired and sore we couldn’t be bothered with smashing anything, and simply rolled them off the back of the trailer.
We were able to rescue a few pumpkins that hadn’t been damaged by rains or frosts, and share them with friends. A few more are saved in my greenhouse, ready to be turned into soup, pie, or simply chopped up and roasted for pasta, pizza, or roast chicken.
This week I’m thankful for those who stand against abuse, who stand up for anyone who’s been abused, and kind friends who share food that comforts and sustains.
XO
by Krista | May 25, 2015 | Autumn
I’ve been trying to write a blog post since Thursday, but writing about good and beautiful things became impossible for me after the Duggar sexual abuse story came to light.
As longtime readers will know, I was in the same religious cult as the Duggars from age 15-25. I experienced firsthand the systematic brainwashing, abuse, and cruelty that crushed spirits, obliterated personalities, violated bodies, and left many of us traumatized with deep fear, shame, guilt, and grief.
Thankfully I was able to get away from that and start over. I found a safe home in Australia with people who love and support me unreservedly, an amazing husband, counselor, and dear friends who have helped me emerge from that darkness into a world of courage, freedom, peace, and love.
But when the Duggar story came out, it not only sparked anger and grief over Josh’s abuse of his sisters and others, it set off a series of triggers that brought a flurry of flashbacks to the darkest moments of my life when I was stalked, groped, abused, and betrayed. My body reacted as if those things were happening now instead of years ago, crumpling in fear, insecurity, and shame. Instead of writing about pumpkin harvesting adventures with Bear, I had to pull in close the walls of my world and remind myself that I am safe now, loved now, free now. I had to breathe through anger, frustration, grief, and loss, letting myself feel whatever I needed to feel without judgment or condemnation or shame, until I could find my bearings again.
I was not alone. Many of my fellow survivors were blindsided by these revelations. Not because we were surprised. We weren’t. The twisted teachings and isolationism practiced by this Cult virtually ensure abuse of all kinds have and will take place. So no, we weren’t surprised, but we were gutted. I think we all keep hoping that one day these stories will stop. That the Doug Phillips, Bill Gothards, and Josh Duggars of this world will no longer be able to harm those around them. That the sick teachings they embrace and promote will be exposed for the lies they are, and that anyone conditioned to believe them will be able to break free and find healing, safety, and real love that always protects and never harms.
I’m in a better place tonight. I can face this situation without debilitating grief and anger. I can rest and think about, “What do I do now?”
Love well.
Consistently remind myself and others that we are worth protecting and worth loving. The more we love ourselves and others, the more unloving people stand out and we can protect ourselves from them.
Respect and hold good boundaries.
Honor whatever boundaries the people in my life set, whether I understand them or not. If I truly value them I will do whatever I can to ensure they feel safe. And if I truly value myself, I will make sure that I only spend time with those who respect the boundaries I set for my own wellbeing.
Look for the good ones.
There are always bad people in this world, but there are so many more good ones. I’ve been thanking Bear all weekend for not being a bastard. It makes him laugh, but I really, truly mean it. Tonight I made a list of all the good men I know. Men who don’t rape, beat, abuse, or neglect. Men who proactively love, respect, and protect. My list grew longer and longer and I wanted to dash around the world and give them all big hugs and say thank you.
I can’t fix Josh or heal his victims, none of us can, but we can be love, show love, and link arms with love wherever we find it. And maybe all that love will shine into the dark places and be a beacon to those who need it.
XO
by Krista | May 17, 2015 | Autumn
Storm clouds rolled in last night, dark and marvelous, and as we slept they broke open to give our farm a good drink. By this morning the rain was gone, but the clouds and wild winds remained. It was just the sort of day to linger long over breakfast with dear friends, so Bear and I got in the car and did just that.
After working so hard on our farm last week, it was sheer bliss to sit in comfy chairs and visit for a couple of hours as we ate Hungarian pancakes topped with Camembert and blueberries, some with whipped cream and stewed apples, and “just one more” with salted butter and real maple syrup.
We talked about travel and good food, goats and books, photography, gardening, and the crazy stories that have happened in our lives since we saw each other last. It was lovely. Being with them reminded me of this quote:
“Oh, the comfort – the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person –
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.”
Dinah Maria Mulock Craik
Life can often be lonely, can’t it? Weeks (months!) can go by with connections no deeper than a cheery hello as you pass someone on the street or meet in line at the post office. It’s especially hard when poor health, paltry finances, or just plain fear crowd in to make interactions difficult to plan or maintain. Hard things pile up making us feel that no one would like us if we told them how we were REALLY doing, and before long it becomes too scary and daunting to even think about reaching out again.
But it’s days like this that remind me friendship is worth trying for. Always. And that it’s OK to feel scared and insecure and worry about being rejected or unwanted. Try anyway. Reach out anyway. Among the “I’m too busy’s” and “Don’t have time for that’s” we’ll find, “I’d love to!!” “My house is a wreck but YES, please come over!” and “This has been the most horrible day, but you calling made it so much better.”
That’s my goal this year, to be brave in friendship. To take a deep breath and make that phone call, press send on that email, and say yes to coffee, a hike, or last minute pancakes on a stormy day.
xo
