by Krista | May 25, 2015 | Autumn
I’ve been trying to write a blog post since Thursday, but writing about good and beautiful things became impossible for me after the Duggar sexual abuse story came to light.
As longtime readers will know, I was in the same religious cult as the Duggars from age 15-25. I experienced firsthand the systematic brainwashing, abuse, and cruelty that crushed spirits, obliterated personalities, violated bodies, and left many of us traumatized with deep fear, shame, guilt, and grief.
Thankfully I was able to get away from that and start over. I found a safe home in Australia with people who love and support me unreservedly, an amazing husband, counselor, and dear friends who have helped me emerge from that darkness into a world of courage, freedom, peace, and love.
But when the Duggar story came out, it not only sparked anger and grief over Josh’s abuse of his sisters and others, it set off a series of triggers that brought a flurry of flashbacks to the darkest moments of my life when I was stalked, groped, abused, and betrayed. My body reacted as if those things were happening now instead of years ago, crumpling in fear, insecurity, and shame. Instead of writing about pumpkin harvesting adventures with Bear, I had to pull in close the walls of my world and remind myself that I am safe now, loved now, free now. I had to breathe through anger, frustration, grief, and loss, letting myself feel whatever I needed to feel without judgment or condemnation or shame, until I could find my bearings again.
I was not alone. Many of my fellow survivors were blindsided by these revelations. Not because we were surprised. We weren’t. The twisted teachings and isolationism practiced by this Cult virtually ensure abuse of all kinds have and will take place. So no, we weren’t surprised, but we were gutted. I think we all keep hoping that one day these stories will stop. That the Doug Phillips, Bill Gothards, and Josh Duggars of this world will no longer be able to harm those around them. That the sick teachings they embrace and promote will be exposed for the lies they are, and that anyone conditioned to believe them will be able to break free and find healing, safety, and real love that always protects and never harms.
I’m in a better place tonight. I can face this situation without debilitating grief and anger. I can rest and think about, “What do I do now?”
Love well.
Consistently remind myself and others that we are worth protecting and worth loving. The more we love ourselves and others, the more unloving people stand out and we can protect ourselves from them.
Respect and hold good boundaries.
Honor whatever boundaries the people in my life set, whether I understand them or not. If I truly value them I will do whatever I can to ensure they feel safe. And if I truly value myself, I will make sure that I only spend time with those who respect the boundaries I set for my own wellbeing.
Look for the good ones.
There are always bad people in this world, but there are so many more good ones. I’ve been thanking Bear all weekend for not being a bastard. It makes him laugh, but I really, truly mean it. Tonight I made a list of all the good men I know. Men who don’t rape, beat, abuse, or neglect. Men who proactively love, respect, and protect. My list grew longer and longer and I wanted to dash around the world and give them all big hugs and say thank you.
I can’t fix Josh or heal his victims, none of us can, but we can be love, show love, and link arms with love wherever we find it. And maybe all that love will shine into the dark places and be a beacon to those who need it.
XO
by Krista | May 17, 2015 | Autumn
Storm clouds rolled in last night, dark and marvelous, and as we slept they broke open to give our farm a good drink. By this morning the rain was gone, but the clouds and wild winds remained. It was just the sort of day to linger long over breakfast with dear friends, so Bear and I got in the car and did just that.
After working so hard on our farm last week, it was sheer bliss to sit in comfy chairs and visit for a couple of hours as we ate Hungarian pancakes topped with Camembert and blueberries, some with whipped cream and stewed apples, and “just one more” with salted butter and real maple syrup.
We talked about travel and good food, goats and books, photography, gardening, and the crazy stories that have happened in our lives since we saw each other last. It was lovely. Being with them reminded me of this quote:
“Oh, the comfort – the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person –
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.”
Dinah Maria Mulock Craik
Life can often be lonely, can’t it? Weeks (months!) can go by with connections no deeper than a cheery hello as you pass someone on the street or meet in line at the post office. It’s especially hard when poor health, paltry finances, or just plain fear crowd in to make interactions difficult to plan or maintain. Hard things pile up making us feel that no one would like us if we told them how we were REALLY doing, and before long it becomes too scary and daunting to even think about reaching out again.
But it’s days like this that remind me friendship is worth trying for. Always. And that it’s OK to feel scared and insecure and worry about being rejected or unwanted. Try anyway. Reach out anyway. Among the “I’m too busy’s” and “Don’t have time for that’s” we’ll find, “I’d love to!!” “My house is a wreck but YES, please come over!” and “This has been the most horrible day, but you calling made it so much better.”
That’s my goal this year, to be brave in friendship. To take a deep breath and make that phone call, press send on that email, and say yes to coffee, a hike, or last minute pancakes on a stormy day.
xo
by Krista | May 15, 2015 | Autumn
“Winter is the time for comfort,
for good food and warmth,
for the touch of a friendly hand
and for a talk beside the fire:
it is the time for home.”
Edith Sitwell
Autumn is one of the busiest times on our farm as we bustle about getting everything ready for Winter.
Summer’s bounty is swiftly withering, wilting, going to seed, so I’ve been gathering up the last of the tomatoes, capsicum, and hot chili peppers, savoring their fresh flavors before they are all gone.
I’ve been pulling out old plants, stacking them on the compost pile to be turned into good, nourishing stuff for the gardens over the next few months.
I’ve been weeding, watering, and trimming our trees, thickly mulching above their roots so the fierce Winter winds don’t dry them out.
My wheelbarrows have been good friends this week, enabling me to cart load after load of straw from the barn and beautiful composted soil from the goat yards to their new homes in my Winter gardens.
Tonight I worked until well after dark digging new garden beds, spreading compost, and digging that in. Tomorrow I’ll add some more compost then plant my remaining seeds – red carrots, leeks, red onions, black radishes, sorrel, garlic, turnips, and a few more rows of peas – before covering the whole lot with a layer of straw mulch.
The gardens I planted earlier are coming up beautifully! It’s such a thrill to see delicate dill fronds, green radish leaves, and purple beetroots pushing up through the straw. The red cabbages and purple Brussels sprouts are nearly 10 inches tall already!! Peas are sprouting up and sturdy green garlic shoots are standing tall and straight. It is all rather marvelous.
Bear has been hauling loads of hay, filling our barn before Winter hits and the price of hay doubles and triples. When he pulls in I hop on the tractor and together we get the bales off the trailer and stacked neatly up to the rafters. Inevitably we get hay EVERYWHERE and spend the evening sneezing and finding bits of hay in our ears, hair, and clothing, but it’s worth it knowing our goats will be well fed.
As the temperatures dropped this week, we’ve been turning to comfort food to keep us warm and full of energy while we work. Roasted potatoes, creamy root veggie soups, and slow-cooked meats are very welcome as we collapse into our chairs each night, too happily tired to even talk.
Breakfasts are nourishing times, hot and hearty to ward off the early morning frostiness. My favorite thing right now is a big bowl of porridge spiced with cinnamon, studded with dried cranberries, and topped with salted butter and real maple syrup. Wrapping my cold-stiffened fingers around a steaming bowl of this goodness is a splendid way to start the day.
How are you getting ready for the next season in your part of the world? xo
by Krista | May 12, 2015 | Autumn
I’m luxuriating in a few quiet moments this morning before I must knuckle down and get to work. The goats are snoozing in the sunshine, dogs temporarily quiet after the last car drove past, and all I can hear is the tick-tocking of the clocks.
We’ve had stunning weather this week, chilly mornings followed by sun-drenched afternoons of warmth and light.
I’ve been outside every day working hard planting my gardens for winter, building a straw-bale greenhouse, and taking advantage of the sunshine to dry load after load of laundry.
Over the weekend Bear and I took some time off for day trips to celebrate his birthday. We had such a lovely time together, exploring nearby towns, treasure-hunting in thrift stores, treating ourselves to delicious things at various cafes. It’s been so marvelous to eat outside on warm afternoons, soaking up sunlight that is so cozy it nearly lulls you to sleep.
Today I’m working on writing projects and tackling in-depth house-cleaning one room at a time. I’m trying to get everything shipshape so I can start school this week without the stress of laundry piles and boxes of veggies needing to be roasted, dried, or frozen for Winter.
Yes, I’m starting school, and I am so very, very excited. I’m taking a course in Business Administration followed by one in Bookkeeping, all working towards a diploma in Business.
I know most people go to school in their teens and twenties, but back then I lived in a world where girls weren’t supposed to go to school. It simply wasn’t an option for me. Thankfully it IS an option for me now, and at 40 years old I’m embracing the “better late than never” mantra, and stepping into the world of education with a hugely grateful heart. I’m especially thankful to Bear who is supporting me fully and cheering me on every step of the way. He is a treasure.
In celebration of this occasion, I’m hosting a giveaway of one of my wood-burned necklaces (see photo below). To enter, all you need to do is leave me a message here or on Facebook telling me something you’d like to do, try, or learn this year. All contributors names will be put in a hat on Saturday, May 16, 2015 and the winner drawn by Bear.
Now I must skedaddle and get the animals fed, the laundry off the line, and the next couple of trays of tomatoes into the oven for roasting.
Wishing you a beautiful week. XO
by Krista | May 8, 2015 | Autumn
“Dawn is the time when nothing breathes,
the hour of silence.
Everything is transfixed, only the light moves.”
Leonora Carrington
I never tire of watching as weeds, spider webs, and brown stalks of grass are transformed into spun glass and shimmering gold by the luminous light of the rising sun.
I love following the light as it edges higher, slipping over the walls of my veggie patch and onto the flowery star bursts of the fennel blossoms.
The asparagus fronds are rendered ethereal as the sunlight catches the mist droplets clinging to each feathery branch, transforming them into shimmering diamonds.
All too soon the sun will rise, mist disappear, and the farm will return to its treasured rustic self.
But for now we will bask in magic.
by Krista | May 4, 2015 | Autumn
“Everyone craves for truth,
but only few like the taste of it.”
Tushar Chauhan
It’s been a soul-searching sort of morning, a time of taking a mirror in shaking hands and looking straight into it and choosing to stay in that Looking Place instead of glancing away or dropping the mirror entirely and losing myself in busy work.
It’s quite uncomfortable, mostly because it’s not all good that I see there. I see fear and insecurity, impatience and unkindness to myself and others, and the weariness that comes from avoiding this soul-examining for too long.
In the old days I would’ve stayed looking at all the bad things, letting them loom larger and larger until they obliterated the goodness that is also there. But I’m trying not to do that anymore. I’m trying to look inward with gentleness. To see those dark places and, instead of scolding myself, figure out how to flood them with light again.
I ask a lot of questions: What do I need to do, think, or believe to respond out of courage and peace instead of fear and insecurity? What can I change, add, or remove from my life and thoughts to nurture a heart of kindness, patience, and much, much love?
I find a good cry helps immeasurably in these moments. A liquid expression of remorse and release and resolve.
I also need verbal reminders of my worth and the value of those in my life, because sometimes I forget. I remind myself that we are worth going through the dark times, wrestling through the hard stuff, making the effort to establish new patterns of behavior that create relationships of safety and belonging and love.
Then I sit quietly with the dark things, the harsh words spoken out of fear, the self-protective reactions that send walls shooting up a mile high, the insecurities that keep me from doing what needs to be done. I picture us sitting on a fence, side by side, chewing a piece of grass plucked from the field as we talk things through and figure out how to do things differently next time.
I’m learning that the dark things aren’t my enemies. In fact, they’re a different sort of light, illuminating the places in me that need some attention and care. I’m learning to pay attention to them faster, to see their presence as an invaluable reminder that I need to stop, look, listen, and change.
So that’s my day today. Not one full of happy thoughts and creative pursuits, but one of soul care so that my little world is a better, kinder, gentler place for the people in it. I’m so thankful that I get to start over. And over and over.
How do you care for your soul when you haven’t been the person you want to be? xo
