by Krista | Sep 6, 2017 | Spring
The wind is howling outside, but indoors, all is quiet and still.
I’ve been battling a flu this week, knocked flat one moment, wobbly but upright the next. I’m thankful for our peaceful little house where I can rest and recover, and make this down time something good.
Several years ago, my counselor encouraged me to write letters to those who had harmed me. I didn’t need to send them, just write them and get the feelings out so they wouldn’t continue to cause damage within. It was an excellent idea, but at the time I couldn’t. I didn’t have the words to capture what I felt and thought, I could only feel the pain, grief, and betrayal. So I set the idea aside, and trusted that when the time was right, I’d be ready.
Last week a trusted friend suggested that maybe now was the time to sit down and write those letters. That the thoughts and feelings related to those past wrongs were ready to come out, ready to be felt, expressed, and released.
So I did.
I waited until Bear was in bed, for these things require solitude, and then I started with the hardest person. The one whose name alone set my stomach churning and head pounding. And I started to write. And write. And write.
Previously I couldn’t get much past “To…”, but this time was different, the words flowed strong and sure, clear and succinct, with none of the hesitancy and downplaying and excusing that had characterized my first efforts.
And as the words came out, they dislodged emotions that had been festering for a long time, gut-wrenching sobs that shook me. And I let them come. The time for suppressing and pretense is long gone. I know now that for wounds to heal, the crap has to come out, fully and completely, until the wound is scrubbed clean and ready to heal. So they came, shuddering and gasping, until they were done. The crying stopped, my breathing slowed, and the heaviness that has been in my gut for decades was gone.
The next day I wrote another, and another and another. After each one, Bear would come and sit with me, holding my hand as I read them aloud, grinning so big after each one because he could see the freedom and strength they brought me.
“You’ve turned a corner, babe. They don’t have power over you anymore. You’ve taken it back.”
What lovely, empowering, healing words.
I’m exhausted now, but in the best possible way. My spirit is light, my mind at rest, and life feels full of hope.
As I rest now, I’m reminded that when it comes to healing, there are very few road maps and no timetables. We can get the counseling, address the issues, surround ourselves with good, loving people, but until the body is ready, it’s not ready. I’m learning anew to have patience with myself, and make sure I extend it to others, and to celebrate every bit of progress, no matter how small.
Yesterday Bear and I celebrated with a morning out, pottering at our favorite second hand shops, visiting and dining on toasted sandwiches and frappes at a cheery cafe, picking up avocado trees and seedlings at the nursery.
It did us both so much good.
The gardens are now planted with sugar snap peas, butter beans, red-leafed lettuces, lemon balm, comfrey, Lebanese cucumbers, and more of my beloved Pineapple Sage.
Now it’s time to rest again. An afternoon for naps and reading good things and drinking lots of herbal tea to keep the nausea down and flu-y aches more bearable.
How do you celebrate growth in your life? xo
by Krista | Dec 12, 2016 | Spring
When Bear asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday this year, I didn’t even have to think about it before saying, “I want to make good memories.”
As fun as it is to open pressies, to me it’s more fun to collect experiences with people I love.
Bear, being more practical than my good self, needed something a bit more concrete than “make good memories” – so we fleshed out a few ideas that encapsulate what I treasure most in a good experience: cozy, interesting, delicious, and, most of all, companionable.
We found all of that by booking a little cabin in the woods at Happy Valley Retreat in Stanthorpe, a short walk from one of our favourite places to eat, the Granite Belt Brewery.
I really love Stanthorpe and the Granite Belt area. There’s something about the pine trees and cooler air and boulder strewn bush that make me feel as close to the forests of Canada as I can get here in Australia.
My heart gave a lurch of happiness, a swelling of homey recognition as we pulled in front of our cabin and saw it tucked away among the trees, looking so beautifully welcoming and private.
We crunched our way along gravel paths that wended through stands of twisted gums and weathered pines, swerving around granite boulders that gave the place a feeling of solidity and security, then climbed the creaking wooden stairs past a stack of firewood that made me smile. The notion of a crackling fire was enticing indeed, but with summer just around the corner, it would have to remain a pleasant notion. Something wonderful to be revisited in winter.
The best part was the veranda perched high above the forest floor. Nestled among tree branches, it made me feel like we were in a treehouse. I grabbed some colourful cushions from inside and draped my tablecloth over the little round table and suddenly it really, truly felt like home.
Yes, I bring my own tablecloth with me. It’s a tradition I started many years ago when I was traveling for work. Staying in hotels can be really fun, but after awhile I wanted those little familiar touches that made it feel less sterile and more personal. I found that a tablecloth really did the trick. It was light and small and so easily transformed a blah room to something I wanted to linger in. Even though I travel much less now, it’s a habit I keep up and never regret.
After we got settled in I went for a walk in the bush, luxuriating in having the place to ourselves since it was a weeknight. It was still and peaceful, cloudy and cool thanks to a storm building overhead, and I ambled at my leisure, sitting on boulders to breathe in fresh air, taking pictures of craggy bark and delicate ferns.
Then I returned to the veranda. I poured us glasses of Riesling to toast the day, then we settled back for a beautiful afternoon of naps and reading and basking in the novelty of not having to do anything.
Much to my delight stormy weather rolled in and soon it was downright chilly, perfect weather for woollen blankets and a pashmina around my shoulders as I wrote in my journal, read Harry Potter again, and leafed through the gorgeous holiday issues of Victoria magazine. It felt so good to write and read and think and get inspired without the pull of chores or deadlines.
Then it was time for dinner, and what a dinner it was!! The Granite Belt Brewery feels like an alpine lodge to me, especially decked out for Christmas with garlands and lights and a life-sized carved Santa Claus to greet guests.
We started with champagne and a jolly chat with our regular waiter who always makes us feel welcome. It was too dark for photos that would do justice to the food, so I’ll just have to tell you about it.
Bear was in a steak mood, always a good choice there, while I went for the thing I’d been dreaming about since our first trip to the brewery, the Brewers Platter. It is a 4-course mini degustation matched with their craft beers. I started with Pork Belly with Stanthorpe Apple Vincotta paired with Apple Ale, followed by oh-so-tender New England Venison on Butternut Pumpkin Mash with Blueberries and Juniper Berry Jus paired with Irish Red Ale, then a heavenly Stanthorpe Roasted Beetroot and Goats Cheese Salad paired with Hatter Wheat Beer. I shared my dessert with Bear and we both swooned at the Triple Chocolate Praline Tart with Mascarpone and Raspberry Compote paired with the Pozieres Porter. Such a fun and delicious meal that really made my taste buds sit up and take notice.
It was a beautiful evening of good visits and amazing food, and the cherry on top was walking home to our cabin in the rain. I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday.
The next morning I woke first, and wrapped up in flannels and a blanket before toddling out to the veranda to enjoy a few hours of utter relaxation. When Bear roused a while later we had a light breakfast outside with French press coffee, toasted homemade bread and jam, and local apples. There’s something special about breakfast in the woods, especially when it’s crisp and cool and it feels like the world is a hundred miles away.
All too soon we packed up and headed for home, happy in the glow of truly great memories, excited to do it all again in the winter when we can set that fire roaring.
by Krista | Nov 16, 2016 | Spring
If I had a blanket fort, I would’ve been hiding in it the last couple of weeks, quilts pulled tight around my shoulders, an Only Nice People Allowed sign scrawled in crayon and pinned to the front entrance.
The world has felt shaky and scary for reasons I’m still grappling with, and for a while I needed to hide away and simply let the thoughts and feelings rage and whirl.
I spent a lot of time in my gardens, giving vent to roiling emotions as I dug dirt and yanked weeds and hurled rocks.
I made art, burning images into wood, letting the gentle cadence of the work calm and soothe my ruffled spirits.
I met up with dear friends, letting their big hearts and big love assure me that there is always hope as long as such people exist.
Slowly the anxiety settled, the darkness faded, and I could let the light back in.
I’m thankful for the darkness. As uncomfortable as it is at first, once the initial turmoil quiets, it becomes a peaceful place without distractions where I can clarify my purpose and focus on the things I can do.
I’m equally thankful for the light that illuminates and cheers and reveals a host of kindred spirits in this world, so many beautiful souls trying their best to love and stand with and empower others regardless of political affiliation, faith, gender, or sexual orientation. They inspire me beyond measure.
After so many wobbly days, I’m resting in this beautiful one, grateful for hope and renewed purpose, for enough light to take one more step.
Good night. xo
by Krista | Nov 8, 2016 | Spring
The wind is howling through the trees, sending anything not securely fastened skittering across the farmyard. It’s wreaking havoc on gardens throughout the region, but is doing a first rate job of drying laundry in record time…if you can manage to get it to stay on the line.
It’s been a sick week for me as I battle allergies and a dreadful flu that feels like every joint has a migraine. Thankfully on Saturday I was able to sleep 15 ½ hours, and that made a huge difference. I’m still groggy and sore, but nausea and fever are gone, and I’m able to potter now between rests.
The weekend was a lovely recovery time of naps and reading and sitting on the veranda, letting the wind roar as we slept in and didn’t worry one smidgen about getting up or doing anything.
Sunday morning I woke first and crept out to the kitchen to brew coffee and enjoy the morning sunshine streaming in the kitchen window.
I put Bear’s coffee on his dresser so he could find it when he woke up, then returned to the kitchen to sip my latte and read up on curing fish.
We will be going to the Gold Coast for fresh fish soon, so I wanted to get a head start on planning which recipes to try, and make sure I have all the spices, herbs, and other condiments we will need – dill, juniper berries, peppercorns, etc.
I grew up on salmon, Rainbow trout, and herring, but am an utter novice when it comes to Australian fish. I want to make Danish roll mops for Christmas, Mexican ceviche for these hot spring days, and Norwegian-style smoked fish just because it’s so delicious. I’m excited to learn good Aussie substitutes for the fish I’m familiar with.
When Bear woke up we visited over our coffees then he went to feed the chickens while I wandered out to my gardens for inspiration for breakfast. Green onions, tender asparagus, and a big tomato from our friends (thanks, Sallie and Marshall!) became perfect accompaniment to fresh eggs and our own smoked bacon. I must admit it gave me a big ol’ smile to look down at my cutting board and realize that everything on it was home grown or home made. I know not everyone has access to such things, and my heart swelled with gratitude for this oft crazy life we’ve built that brings us so much happiness.
Today I’m back to work, taking things slow and steady so I can get better soon. Bear is out with the goats while I do photoshoots and wood-burning and make a gigantic batch of mulberry lemonade to keep us hydrated on these dry, windy, and hot spring days. xo
by Krista | Nov 2, 2016 | Spring
The sun is sinking low over the fields and I’m parked in front of a fan, cold spiced tea beside me as I edit photos and watch Psych reruns. It’s been an exquisite day of just home-ness.
After weeks of dashing hither and thither for various jobs, meetings, and commitments, today was just for me. Bear was out and about running errands and I had the whole house and farm to myself to potter at all the little things that get lost and neglected when life has those inevitable busy spells.
I finished work and we had a good breakfast and then he was off and I headed outside.
How I’ve missed being outside in the sun and the wind, digging and watering and planting, hauling and organizing and tidying. I covered up well to protect from the sun – yes, dear Aussies, lest you worry, I wear a long sleeve, collared shirt and broad-brimmed hat when I’m working outside – then set to work, chatting to goats and dogs as they wandered over to see what I was up to.
I got my gardens watered and tidied up the farm yard. Our goats are wizards at getting their horns and hooves hooked into things and dragging them all over the place. I found once tidily rolled up hoses stretched willy-nilly down by the goose pen, my potting table toppled over from where they tried scrambling up to reach pea vines growing through the fence, and once neatly stacked flower pots tumbling every which way. I know they’ll probably end up helter-skelter again in the near future, but for today, everything’s where it ought to be.
When the sun got too hot I made a pear strawberry smoothie and sat in the shade on the back veranda watching the goats snooze in dappled light under the gum trees. After you’ve been running ragged, isn’t it wonderful to simply sit and bask in quietness?
After a while I went back inside and started pottering in the kitchen. It never fails to astound me how quickly one room can go from clean to utter mayhem. While I worked I listened to “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” – it’s that happy time for my yearly read through of all the Harry Potter books – and got my little pantry organized, my fridge sorted, dining room table cleared, floor swept, and dishes done. I can’t help but smile when I walk out there now.
Bear brought home fish and chips – he always seems to know the right day to do that – and now it’s time for a glass of homemade apple wine, a chat about the day, and an early night. xo
by Krista | Oct 20, 2016 | Spring
I’m sitting in a blissfully quiet house, comfy on my bed with the windows flung open to catch even a hint of a breeze on this hot-as-blazes-still-before-the-storm afternoon.
Bear and I went out earlier to make sure everyone was fed and watered, and now he’s off running errands, the animals are all snoozing or ambling lazily, and all I hear are gentle little songs from the wild birds that thrive here – fairy wrens, woolly wagtails, grass parrots, rainbow lorikeets, and more.
It’s wonderful to be home again after a treasured little jaunt to Brisbane with two grandmas I adopted for the night. We went to an Andre Rieu concert and had an absolute ball. They’re both disabled at the moment, so I had one on each arm as we inched our way slooooowly across parking lots and lobbies and hotel rooms and loading ramps and finally into our seats. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages as the two of them teased each other mercilessly and threatened to “show a shapely leg” and bust out into the can-can. I saw the young women they once were as they laughed and cried and swooned through the music, hands clasped to their chests in raptures as they sang along, clapped, and held hands with strangers, turning the disabled section into a jubilant party. It makes me tear up even now as I think of them, revisiting the music of their youth, regaling me with stories of long ago dances and concerts and beautiful dresses. Such a magical night.
Now I’m home again, heart full of memories of wondrous music and epic performances, so thankful for these moments that make life so marvellous.
I love going on adventures and love coming home again to my gardens and animals and very own bed, and Bear – who listens with a big smile to my exuberant stories.
I wandered through my gardens after work this morning, so excited to see artichokes blooming!!! I’m a huge artichoke fan and can’t wait to cook up these beauties. Some will be steamed then dipped, petal by petal, into creamy, garlicky mayonnaise, others will be roasted, Roman-style, with lemon, garlic, mint, and white wine.
The asparagus is flourishing too – a new crop of spears every morning.
I picked a lovely big bundle and will roast some of them with green beans for a cold salad tossed with a fresh tarragon vinaigrette and shredded roast chicken, and others with plenty of Parmesan cheese that will crisp up marvellously in the oven.
And now I must get back to my kitchen. I’m cleaning out the pantry – making room for homemade pasta, bottles of black raspberry liqueur, absinthe, and Sambuca, and jars of preserves – and the fridge so I have somewhere to store all the good things coming out of my gardens. And laundry. Yes, mustn’t forget the laundry.
What’s the best soul-stirring music you’ve listened to lately? xo
