by Krista | Apr 16, 2017 | Autumn
Sometimes life is painful and stressful. You try your best to fix it and make it work and things just seem to muddle up into a worse tangle.
And sometimes, in the midst of it, friends invite you to come over. And as much as you like them, you know you’re a weepy mess and would rather hide away until you’re presentable again, but in the end, you buck up and be brave and be real and you go and see them anyway and let them see you in all your weepy messyness and somehow it’s OK. And you cry and laugh and talk together, and discover that they have tangled messes too, and even though the tangles are different, you connect over the emotions they provoke: anxiety, fear, stress, loss, and the desire to hide. And you hug and laugh and cry a bit more and feel less alone, less weird, and so glad you were brave and didn’t let fear of being vulnerable keep you from being vulnerable.
That was our Easter. One of the very best Easters of my entire life.
We spent it with Canadian Viking friends who ended up being Canadian Viking Kindred Spirits who loved us and accepted us and made us feel wanted and worth loving.
They made roast turkey and cabbage rolls and perogies – the comfort food of my Canadian childhood that made me feel right at home.
They showed us all the amazing things they’re building and trying and experimenting with, and that made us feel inspired and excited.
And they taught us how to make Ukrainian Easter Eggs, something I’ve wanted to learn since I was a little girl seeing those magical eggs on Sesame Street.
It was so much fun. How we laughed as our attempts at intricate designs were mussed up with great blobs of wax and smeared dyes and accidental crackings. And how we grinned at how beautiful they all looked in spite of our lack of skill and dexterity.
This morning I looked at those eggs again and was comforted and given hope. I often feel like one of them, cracked and blobbed and smeared. I make an awful lot of mistakes, and this week I messed up in a big way. After faithfully getting every bill paid in full and on time for 18 months, I missed one, which resulted in a huge fine on top of a now massive bill at a time when I simply can’t pay it. I felt like vomiting from the stress of it, feeling stupid and frustrated and a failure, those extra emotional burdens we tend to pile on our already battered hearts in these moments. So I cried and felt very small and foolish and gave in to big ol’ waves of fear and anxiety. Then I stopped and took a (few) deep breath(s) and got to work, looking for more work so I can pay off this wretched thing, even if it’s on the world’s smallest payment plan. And I spoke truth to myself. Yes, I made a mistake, and it was an enormous one, but it doesn’t mean I’M a mistake. I’m still worthy of love and respect. I’ll deal with the consequences, I’ll learn from this, and I’ll press on with hope and kindness.
Whatever tangle this day finds you in, know you are loved, always, and no matter how much you mess up, you always get to start again and figure a way out and make it better. xo
by Krista | Nov 16, 2016 | Spring
If I had a blanket fort, I would’ve been hiding in it the last couple of weeks, quilts pulled tight around my shoulders, an Only Nice People Allowed sign scrawled in crayon and pinned to the front entrance.
The world has felt shaky and scary for reasons I’m still grappling with, and for a while I needed to hide away and simply let the thoughts and feelings rage and whirl.
I spent a lot of time in my gardens, giving vent to roiling emotions as I dug dirt and yanked weeds and hurled rocks.
I made art, burning images into wood, letting the gentle cadence of the work calm and soothe my ruffled spirits.
I met up with dear friends, letting their big hearts and big love assure me that there is always hope as long as such people exist.
Slowly the anxiety settled, the darkness faded, and I could let the light back in.
I’m thankful for the darkness. As uncomfortable as it is at first, once the initial turmoil quiets, it becomes a peaceful place without distractions where I can clarify my purpose and focus on the things I can do.
I’m equally thankful for the light that illuminates and cheers and reveals a host of kindred spirits in this world, so many beautiful souls trying their best to love and stand with and empower others regardless of political affiliation, faith, gender, or sexual orientation. They inspire me beyond measure.
After so many wobbly days, I’m resting in this beautiful one, grateful for hope and renewed purpose, for enough light to take one more step.
Good night. xo
by Krista | Apr 21, 2016 | Autumn
After a still, cloudy day, the late afternoon is streaming through the trees casting long shadows over the grazing goats and dancing across my bedspread. It’s been a good but busy week, and I’m basking in this moment of quietness and light.
It’s been so nice to be out in my gardens again, nurturing the established silverbeet, elderberry, artichokes, and chilies, cheering on the newly sprouted sugar snap peas, broad beans, lettuces, and leeks. Yes, leeks. THEY GREW!!! After four years of trying unsuccessfully with different types of seeds and in various soils, I finally found success with Musselburg leeks from Eden Seeds in black soil enriched with worm castings. I’m overjoyed.
Bear has been working hard on a 12th century medieval bed. He found a “close enough” bed in a thrift store and we brought it home. He dismantled the entire thing, took out all modern screws, nails, staples, and other bits, and has painstakingly rebuilt, holding it all together with wooden dowels. It is nearly done and is so beautiful. I can’t wait to show it to you. But first I need to finish making linen sheets for it, and a medieval patchwork quilt to keep us warm on very frosty winter nights.
With our first medieval event less than two weeks away, I’ve also been paying special care to my medicinal herbs and plants that I use in my medieval folk medicine demonstrations. Next week I’ll be mixing a comfrey poultice for broken bones, elderberry cordial for sore throats and influenza, fenugreek gel for fevers, and my favorite boozy date jam that makes stomach aches disappear. (If you’re interested in medieval recipes for home remedies, click here to see my book: “herb & spice: a little book of medieval remedies.)
I’ve also been adding flowers to my garden, both to entice our newly arrived bees and for my own pleasure. I put in fiery red salvias, hollyhocks, vinca, and these gorgeous Hypoestes aristata, a gift from one of my gardening friends.
I’ve been adding more Australian natives to our farm – grevillea and bottlebrush – and magnolias, just because they make me happy.
This week my blueberries started flowering. They survived the summer heat thanks to a thick mulch of pine cones and pine needles that also help keep the soil acidic. Last year they produced just enough to snack on a few each day, but this year I hope to get enough to bake with, and maybe enough for some blueberry liqueur.
Today my friends Oma and Jess came over to teach me how to make Hungarian sausages. While I’ve been making Italian sausage and sage-y breakfast sausage for several years, I’ve never made authentic Hungarian ones before. It was so much fun!!! We made a seasoning slurry of garlic, salt, black pepper, and paprika and mixed it into the beef mince until it was perfectly sticky. It was the grown up equivalent of mixing mud pies, only a lot more fragrant. Then I manned the sausage press while Jess fed the sausage into casings and Oma tied off each sausage into long, fat links. 51 sausages later the kitchen smelled amazing, the bottom of my freezer was full, and we were more than ready for bowls of soup and a chat. I’m so thankful for kind people who teach me how to do such fun and nourishing things.
Although there’s been a lot of work this week, there have been many moments of rest as well. I’ve made time to read, watch NUMB3RS and NCIS: LA with Bear, and wood-burn this little wooden knife for me to use at medieval events. It’s small and delicate and reminds me of the wooden butter knives my Danish family uses.
Now it’s time to join Bear at the lamb pen and give Emma and Anni their bottles before it’s time for bed.
What good things happened in your life this week? xo
by Krista | Jan 8, 2016 | Summer
Yesterday was a rough one. After all these years, a lawsuit has been filed against Bill Gothard, an American religious leader who abused so many for so long. Several of my friends are part of that lawsuit, and their bravery and strength brings me to tears. They’ve had to revisit such a horrendous time in their lives and they’ve done it so that no one else has to go through what they did, so that he is held accountable for at least some of the horrors he perpetrated. I admire them tremendously. They represent thousands of us, innocent kids who were harmed by this mans behavior and teachings, and the culture of abuse he and his fellow leaders created and sustained.
The news – you can read about it here and here and here – means a great deal to those of us abused by him and his co-leaders, but it also triggers memories we’ve spent decades trying to overcome. Emotional flashbacks came like waves, whipping many of us back to that time of fear and shame when we had no power and no one to help us. There were the usual tears, headaches, nausea, shortness of breath, the feeling of sheer panic and being in imminent danger, but thankfully, they didn’t last. Because that was then, this is now.
And now is so much better.
Now we are free from him and his henchmen/women. He no longer has the power to harm us. He cannot touch us, cannot speak to us, cannot use others to control, manipulate, and abuse us. We are safe.
We are free to live in the light now, to embrace ideals and beliefs that reflect our good and loving hearts, to pursue healing through counseling, the real love of kind people, the help of doctors and other professionals.
And we get to build beautiful lives now, lives marked by kindness and creativity and love for ourselves and others.
We are free to make the most of this life of ours, and that’s something to smile about.
I talked with several friends after the lawsuit news broke, and it was lovely to comfort and affirm each other, grieve over the bad stuff and celebrate the good. We will always deal with the ramifications of what he did to us, but we’ll be OK. We’re strong and feisty and brave and funny and talented, and we really will be OK. We’ve got each other, we’ve got people who love us even with our crazy pasts, and we’ve got today.
Today is such a lovely word full of hope and possibility. What a gift to be able to fill it with what WE want, not what bad guys foisted upon us.
We get to love our people and show compassion to our dear wobbly selves, we get to make good food and stand outside in fresh air with growing things around us, we get to see birds flitting about and draw and sew and paint and take pictures and build stuff and plant things and read books and watch movies and listen to music and write words and dance like a crazy person.
Today is good.
Wishing you a beautiful today. xo
by Krista | Mar 24, 2015 | Autumn
“Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with your old nonsense.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
It’s been a rough couple of months as I’ve weathered another bout of glandular fever. Every project has been preceded and followed by naps, each day a fog of pain and exhaustion. But the past few days I’ve felt the fog lifting, the pain receding, my energy returning. And it is marvelous.
This morning I woke early enough to go for a wander in my gardens just as the sun rose over the fields. It felt so good to be outside, breathing in deeply of cool, rain-washed air, finding all sorts of beauties glimmering in the morning sunshine. I love this time of day with its exquisite light, so clear and clean and fresh. The world feels like a welcoming, magical place.
We’ve had glorious rains the last couple of days, and the gardens have surged back to life. Brittle leaves are lush and unfurled, blossoms bursting from their casings, tiny veggies emerging from soil that has been dry and barren for so long.
After feeling parched and withered for months on end, it is wonderful to see damp earth and dew-drenched flowers and know that the seeds and seedlings now have a fighting chance to produce delectable things for my winter kitchen.
With the return of rain and my energy, I’m excited to start dreaming and planning again. When you’re sick, days consist of The Essentials and little else. But now I get to make plans knowing that soon I will have the strength to follow through. That’s a lovely thing.
So today I’m moving gently through my day quietly working on things that have had to wait: cleaning closets, organizing my kitchen, getting seedlings out of their punnets and into my gardens.
It feels good to start this day “well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with [my] old nonsense.”
Old nonsense. I like that. Illness isn’t nonsense, it’s just something that happens, but the accompanying frustration and discouragement are unwelcome companions on any journey. It feels good to thank them for dropping by, then wave farewell and breathe a sigh of relief that they are no longer hanging about.
What is lifting your spirits today? xo
